Sunday, November 6, 2011

He spit what on you!!!

Life has been really busy and currently I am studying for a critical care test but needed a diversion for a couple minutes so here I am.

6 week ago I received my professional wedding photos from my photographer in the mail. I texted Beav to wake me when he got home because I wanted him to see them right away. He told me he would and I went to bed. I woke up around 4am because I heard him walking around. He was an hour late and when I opened my eyes he was standing with a towel in his hands getting ready to go in the shower which was unusual for him. He doesn't usually shower when he gets home at night especially not when he gets home late. So, I ask why he was going to shower. He states, "someone spit blood on me."

I'm a nursing student so the nurse in me came out right away - I questioned...where? did it  get into your eyes, mouth, any open cuts? Did  you wash it off? What did you use? etc. The answers were all ok. He got spit on the back of his head, it did not get into his eyes, mouth, nose, and he did not have any open cuts. He put gloves on, wiped it off with saline and gauze from EMS, and wiped his head with purell. He put the dirty clothes in the washing machine with hot water, laundry detergent, pinesol (he said he heard it killed germs), and put it on an extra rinse cycle. He toke a shower and I went to sleep.

I woke up that morning - freaking out! I was literally scared of my husband. I was afraid that he contracted some disgusting disease by this guy and now I was going to get it. He spoke with the NYPD nurse and she said that he was not exposed in the sense he needed the HIV cocktail. However, I was scared! I made him call a local hospital and he spoke with a doctor about obtaining the cocktail in which he was told that he was not exposed and wouldn't get it.

This was really difficult for me. I told him that dealing with sucky schedules, working nights, missing events all seem easy compared to him coming home and telling me that some disgusting person spit a combination of blood and phlegm onto my husband.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I'm a married lady!

I can't believe the last time I posted something was in July! Well, I am a married woman now - The wedding was amazing and everything I could hope it would be. We went on our honeymoon, to Aruba, the next day and that was equally as fabulous. Here is just one of many photos I have lol

We have settled into married life and living together great. I love being his wife :) even though we were together for over 6 years before we got married. The title wife holds a bigger punch. lol

Sunday, July 31, 2011

We Bought A House!!!

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long but very exciting news from my little corner of the world - Beav and I bought our first home together! It is exciting, crazy, surreal, and let me say again...crazy! I can't believe I have my very own home where I was able to pick out the colors I wanted, the decor, etc. It has also been a lot of work and I am so thankful for my family especially my grandfather who without him the past couple of days I really don't know what we would have done.

It is also our wedding week! We are getting married this Friday which is also amazing to me. I can't believe how fast time flies! I was engaged in November of 2009 and I thought that the time would never come for me to be a Mrs. and here I am a couple days shy of walking down the aisle.

Life is amazing right now and I can't think of a time where I was ever happier! I am getting married to my best friend and love of my life, we just bought our first home together, I have less than a year of school left, and John loves his career! What more could we ask for right now? We are truly blessed <3

Monday, July 11, 2011

We all need to work with eachother...just a little!

Beav and I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. He put the time off request in at least a month ago maybe even 6 weeks and gave a copy of the invitation just to prove we really had somewhere to go. We didn't hear anything so I told him to go check if it was done and approved (or denied). He goes and surprise, is not done. He tells the guy at the desk that he submitted the request at least a month ago and he simply replies we don't do things that far in advance. Really?!? Because this is less than a week! I have already rsvped yes for 2 people. Let's say he gets denied now that leaves me with less than a week to find someone who is available on a Saturday night in the summer to come with me. I can get use to annoying hours, ordered overtime, and even working some holidays but this complete lack of respect they have is ridiculous not even for Beav but what about the person waiting at home for him. The job has its pros and cons but they make it more annoying than it has to be. It's really simple - look at the schedule and if there is some room where he is not needed approve it but don't wait until less than a week!!!

Friday, July 8, 2011

1 Year Anniversary

Well - it was on July 6th.

I can't believe a year as already passed by I think about who I was just one year ago and how I felt. I was scared, lonely, and so fearful of the future and this was the first day. There have been so many ups and downs. There have been times where I felt angry and resentful of him that he was creating this life that sucked, where I was alone, and where he spent more holidays with strangers than me. The academy ended and then the real work started. Everything said it would be better, he would have more time, etc. That lead me to yet another disappointment and yet another breakdown. Everyday that passes though I learn and realize a little more.

If I had to give insight to someone else this is what I would say -
- Plans are not set in stone...EVER!
- NYPD only cares about the "greater good of the department" not about the greater good of Beav or his life.
- Overtime is sometimes forced and no one cares if you had plans.
- Find friends who do things without their spouse/significant other or you will be the 3, 5, 7, etc wheel all the time.
- On his days off, schedule things for him to do not just with you but his other friends also - they miss him also.
- Create your own schedules when possible - who cares if breakfast is at noon and dinner is at 10pm. It works for you and that's all that matters.
- Always express your feelings but understand that he also misses you, does not want to be at work on a holiday, and would rather be at the bar with you.

I'm sure there is more but those are the ones that popped into my mind. One year down and 24 more to go :)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Today might be rough...

It's almost been a year since Beav as been a part of the NYPD and I can almost start to sense when it is going to be a bad day/night for me. I have gotten over for the most part him missing out on various family birthdays and sometimes even nights out. But today is going to be a bad day - of course I am going to try to use this intuition and alter my way of thinking but I can almost sense it and feel it already.

I live on Long Island, NY so it is common for everyone to drive to the beach or go to fire island during 4th of July weekend. One of my close friends decided she wanted to go to fire island today for her birthday (her birthday is July 1). Initially, I said I wasn't sure because I had a lot of school work to do which is true but has never ever stopped me before from enjoying a good day with friends, sun, and drinks. She would ask and I would tell her I will let her know. This morning I woke up realizing why I had so many internal reservations. We are going with a bunch of people and everyone who is going their spouse/significant other will be there. The ones that don't have one probably won't admit it but they are looking for one and there I am - alone yet committed - its a title that I hate. There was a point in my life that if Beav couldn't come I wouldn't have even thought to go - codependency issues...I believe so. I have gotten so much better. Obviously, for the last year I haven't sat in my house crying every night I have had a few but they have dwindled. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that the couples are not going to be all over each other, full-blown kisses, etc but its the little things I miss when Beav is not around. I miss his brushing past me at the bar letting me know he is going to the bathroom, our eyes meet when he is going to get another drink and silently asks if I want one also, having someone to rest your head on at the end of the night when you are traveling home, and really just having someone there that you know loves you as much as you love them and is there if anything happens.

I'm going to be prepared though this time. I'm going to limit how much I drink so I don't get over emotional, I am going to have the ferry schedule so I know when the ferries are if I really am not having a good time, and I'm going to try really hard to remind myself that I am an independent woman who can take care of herself. Wish me luck - I think I'm going to need it.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Gun Collar

Beav got his first gun collar last night! Unfortunately, because of some specifics the guy will not be charged with it but will be charged with something else. I'm not fully versed in the police language or the attorneys for that matter so I am not exactly sure what occurred. However, I do know that Beav got a gun collar on his record in his first year of being a police officer! I am very proud :) He is exhausted though - he was awake for 32 hours straight and was at work for 26 hours.

I believe I have written before about them getting stuck being at work and awake for 24 hours straight. I hate the idea and think it is so unhealthy for all police officers, doctors, nurses, anyone who works a position where they can get stuck working very long shifts. Not only is it physically unhealthy but Beav has about a 45 min to 1 1/2 hour drive home where he is putting himself and everyone else on the road at risk. There are always stories in the news how people have fallen asleep while driving. Luckily, Beav made it home safe, I gave him an airbourne to give his system a little boost, and he went off to sleep.

Seriously though - there should be rules against 24 hour days!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Life Has Been Crazy Busy

I can't believe I have not posted anything in a month! Life has been crazy. I am taking a summer class and working plus the wedding is about 5 weeks away!!!

The last 5 weeks I was in OB. It is truly an amazing experience seeing a woman give birth regardless if it is vaginally or by c-section. I was lucky enough to be a part of 4 births - 2 vaginal and 2 c-sections. For the last 5 weeks, I have dreamed about having babies. Beav and I have already decided that we won't start to try to have children for at least a year after we are married. However, watching all those babies being born got my maternal instincts screaming for children. I am now in pediatrics and the entire vibe is so much different. Yesterday, I was put on a pediatric oncology floor. It was sad and completely depressing. I saw a 4 year old who had a brain tumor! Honestly, what did that poor baby do to deserve getting such a terrible thing and having to fight for her life before she even really lived. It really makes you appreciate all that you have.

Beav has been doing great at work. The projects (or as they call them the pjs) is crazy this time of year. Everyone thinks its a great idea to go around and shoot people. It is hard for me to even comprehend how these people have such a lack of respect for life. Needless to say, Beav has been busy and overtime has been flowing. Beav has picked up some extra shifts which I hate at the time but love when the check comes. :) It has almost been a year since Beav started the academy. I can't believe a whole year has passed already. I'm actually really excited to post what I have learned in this year - I will July 6th his official hire date.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Wedding Drama

I hope everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day. Beav was suppose to be off Sunday and Monday but got ordered in for Sunday. Thankfully, his partner "owed" him from a previous time he stayed late for him so he said he would take the shift. I was beyond excited and we got so much wedding related stuff done. We went and saw a sample of our flowers (which I love!), we set up the tux rentals, and bought the groomsmen their gifts. Overall, it was productive and of course I was able to spend 2 whole days with him which is a rarity.

I was unsure if I wanted to write about this on here but I realized that no one I know reads this and I would love to hear what other people think I should do...

A little more than a week ago I e-mailed Beav's mother stating that I knew she was so busy with her elderly parents and that I looked into some places for the Rehearsal Dinner (They said they would pay for it.). I sent a list of all the places with their prices and told her which one we preferred. I also said that with summer school starting I really would like to get this taken care of before it started plus invitations needed to be bought. Well, two days later she sent both Beav and I a very rude e-mail back. Basically saying that she hated our first choice and would not pay a dime on it so she will pay for the second choice but still thinks that place is horrible plus she made mention how she feels we only care about the check. She went on to tell us what food she choose, who we could invite (Basically - not including my grandparents. Her words were only people directly involved with the rehearsal), and that she would be picking the invitations so we needed to send her the addresses ASAP. Beav and I were furious and hurt. The complete lack of disrespect that was felt from this e-mail was insane. Beav spoke with his father and he basically validated that he understands why we are hurt but begs Beav to let them still pay for the dinner. After, this entire situation Beav told his father that we would pay for the rehearsal dinner because obviously she feels we are only using her for the money.

My dilemma - Beav feels if we pay for the dinner his mother will not come but I feel that I can not accept their money for the dinner after what occurred. Plus, I do not feel ok with not inviting my grandparents to my rehearsal dinner. Yes, they are not directly involved with the rehearsal but they have done anything they could to help John and I during this entire process including letting us store our gifts in their basement until we found our own home. What would you do? Let them pay for it and have it on their terms or pay for it yourself and see what happens?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Drinks on a Thursday?!?

I have never really been a fan of girls nights. I guess cause I have always had a boyfriend, then fiance, and a soon to be husband and he would always take more priority over the "girls". Tonight though I went out for a couple drinks with my best friends and we had such a great time. We had a couple drinks, talked, danced, and even saw a old friend - mind you it was only a Thursday! (I never go out on a Thursday) It was so much fun and not planned at all. Sometimes you dont realize how bad you needed to go out until you are home.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Invitations went out!!!

Beav and I mailed our wedding invitations today!!! We made our own invitations because the ones I found were crazy expensive and I figured I would be able to make the same ones cheaper which I did. Would I recommend making them yourself? Only if you have a lot of free time and patience. The last 2 weeks I have spent 2-3 hours a day printing, cutting, glue dotting, and then assembling these invitations. I guess when you figure in the time I have spent it might not have been cheaper but I wasn't being paid per hour. We are soooo excited! I can't wait for the RSVPs to come back! I attached a picture of the invitation. I am pretty sure I whited out the most important stuff but if anyone sees anything else that they feel should be, please do tell :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Outcome of Easter

The outcome of Easter - Beav and I ate breakfast at his house with his mother, father, and sister. After, we ran around got last minute things and came back to his house to give his mother her present. He went to his aunt's house from 2pm-4pm to say hello to his family which included his grandmother. I stayed back at my house to help my mom get ready for mother's day dinner because my grandparents were coming over and my brother and sister were working. Beav got to my house around 4:30pm and we all ate dinner.

Beav's mom was mad at him/me. She told him that I should have went to his aunts house but in all honesty John went to represent the both of us. I wasn't going to let my mom stay home alone for the majority of the day cooking dinner for us and her mother by herself. In the end, I feel that we probably should have stopped by his grandmother's house so we both could have seen her and not just him but we did what we did and honestly seeing his aunt and cousin does not take precedent over my mother and grandmother. This mixing holiday stuff is difficult!

we signed the contracts for our first house!!! I'm so excited and going to be broke :) Hopefully, mid to late June we will close and we can start making it our own before the wedding :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Advice Needed...

I believe that most of you have a little more experience than I do with being married and dealing with everything that comes with it. So, my question is for everyone, how do you split holidays between the 2 families. Beav and I generally have a plan that works for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter but Mother's Day and Father's Day always throws us for a loop. We actually have never made a plan for these holidays. We basically just do them separately. However, we both feel that we should be together and celebrate the holidays with our mothers at different times especially because next year we will be married and should be together. The problem is that both sides do a dinner at around the same time. He already said that his mother won't be very accommodating if we decide to ask if we can do a brunch with her but at the same time I don't feel like I should always have to change my plans with my mother because his won't be accommodating. Now that I vented a little...what do you guys do? Any advice/wisdom that can help us come to a decision :)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Would you like to go for a drive along? No, thank you!

It is ironic because earlier that day I was explaining to my mother how I don't see Beav as a cop that maybe if I actually saw him at work, if I did a drive along that I could picture it. I realized later on that night that I don't want to picture all.

Beav and I were out with a bunch of friends celebrating his birthday this past Friday. (The beauty of a swing schedule sometimes you get Friday and Saturday OFF :) ) We stepped outside so he could have a cigarette (I try to get him to quit all the time) and we were discussing how excited we were that we were actually buying a house that it seems unreal. P.S. - we are going into contract with a house we found a couple weeks ago!!! Overall, the conversation was happy, excited, and we were loving life. We stepped inside and the entire night went down from there. Some drunken fool wanted to fight some guy and Beav's police/male instincts kicks right in gets a hold of the guy and another friend and him take him out of the bar. It was split seconds and I can't actually visualize what happened but I remember screaming. I tried to get in the middle I guess to prevent anything from happening to Beav but I was grabbed by my friend who told me to stop and wouldn't let go. As they went outside, I followed again trying to get to them but now a guy friend grabbed me and told me no and that he was fine. So, I screamed and felt helpless. I couldn't do anything else to prevent whatever was going to happen but to just scream and I did on the top of my lungs. (I was given a free drink my the bartender as a result though. She stated she hopes I scream like that if something was happening to her.)

I realized at that point that I don't want to know what Beav does at work. I don't want to visualize him getting into fights with people. I mentally and emotionally can not handle seeing him fight. I know that he has received training and I trust that the NYPD has created a great police officer but anything can happen and I can not witness something bad happening to him. In the end, he was fine. He thumb was sore the next day he said because of the way he must have grabbed him and received a bunch of praise from the guys on how great he was able to handle the situation so quickly.

I, however, left that night crying. I have spent the last three days thinking about why and there are multiple but I think the biggest was that I realized at that moment he could get hurt at work. I never really think of it or maybe I subconsciously never allowed myself to think that when he goes to work he could come home damaged. That night I saw how naturally taking charge came to him, how he must have practiced this or even used this at work and all my repressed fear for the last couple months came flooding out in the form of uncontrollable and never-ending tears. Beav apologized and understood that I was scared. He repeated over and over again that it was fine, he was fine, and that everything was ok. At some point, I think he realized the tears were for more than a 3 minute incident and he promised me that he would never do anything stupid at work to put himself in danger that would prevent him from coming home to me. The night was silly, embarrassing, and I could have done without it yet that night Beav and I made some sort of new connection outside of that bar maybe a greater understanding of where we both are.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Beav is...

24 today!!! I have dated him since he was 17. I can not believe that he is turning 24 today. Looking back we have shared so many good and bad times together but I wouldn't change anything.

A Sonic opened up today on Long Island so of course he wanted to go get some for lunch. Unfortunately, so did everyone else on Long Island so we were unable to wait on the insane line and chose to go to the diner instead. I felt bad because he was so tired and slightly annoyed with himself that he didn't take off for his birthday not that they would have approved it anyway.

Overall, he had a nice day and I bought him the boots he wanted for work so he was excited. Hopefully, it won't be to busy tonight at work and he can have a relaxed night at work.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed the day with family and friends.

Beav and I starting splitting holidays between our families since we got engaged. This year for Easter it was my parents house for dinner and dessert for his. However, he has work tonight and needed to leave by 3:45pm. I explained to my mom that we needed to eat a little earlier than usual and if she felt that it was to early or she didn't want to do it then we understood but we would then eat at his parents house. Of course, she guaranteed that dinner would be ready and we would eat lasagna at 2:30 and then dinner at 3:00pm. I have to admit I had my doubts. My family is never on time for anything! I even had a dream last night that the food was not going to be ready...that is how worried I was! But my mother is amazing and everything was perfect. My grandparents and great aunt showed up at 2:15pm and at 2:30pm we were eating lasagna. We all got to eat dinner together and life was normal. Well, until 3:50pm when he said he really had to go to work but with a container of Easter dinner in his hand and a piece of pineapple upside down cake for dessert later - he was off.

My grandmother asked me if I was sad after he left. The truth was...I was ok. I knew he had work today and we planned accordingly. We saw his family in the morning instead for dessert and we ate dinner with my family like normal. He wasn't around all day but he was around and I was happy. Our life might not be typical but it is becoming "our normal".

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Med-Surg Clinical Complete

I attended my last med-surg clinical today. I am so happy that I will have 4 weeks off from waking up at 5:30am. I absolutely hate waking up so early but it got easier especially since I was doing it twice a week for the last 13 weeks. My professor was great and is honestly one of the strongest women I have ever met. Her husband is battling cancer for the last 2 1/2 years. Her outlook and strength amazes me every time she talked about her situation. It really made me think about my own situation and how blessed I really am.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sweet 16

The Sweet 16 was yesterday and I attended without Beav. I survived and Beav texted me throughout the party asking about how it was, what I ended up wearing, how the food was, and if I was dancing. I guess he was trying to be there the best way he could. 

I want to make a point about how young girls dress. I am only 23 years old so I wasn't 16 that long ago but I do not remember dressing like that. These dresses were so short that they constantly had to pull them down while dancing, they were skin tight where nothing was hidden even the skinniest girl looked like she had a little belly, and the boobies! I have big boobies so I understand how annoying it is to sometimes get the girls under control but I don't think an attempt was even made with some girls. It was shocking and embarrassing at times for them but they will learn I guess we all do that showing a little less sometimes is worth more than displaying it all.

Overall, the party was really nice. It made me excited  for my wedding. I can't wait until my family and friends are all together celebrating the marriage of Beav and I. It was my childhood best friend's sister who was turning 16 so it was nice that I got to catch up with her. Younger we were inseparable and were like sisters but as life went on and boyfriends/friends changed we separated but it is always nice to go back sometimes. We sat in her house and talked like our relationship never changed. But it is a scene that occurs time and time again. Unfortunately, our lives don't mesh as good and we reconnect but it never sticks. I do miss her though.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not There Yet

I read everyone's blogs and I want to be where you all are or at least seem. I want to be well-adjusted and supportive of his career but I can't get past the annoying fact that this career is affecting our relationship. I grieve the relationship we once had. I miss the man that use to be home at 4pm, who ate dinner with me, I miss the man that use to be home every weekend to accompany me out with our friends. I hate that this career takes priority over everything. It takes priority over me, our relationship, our families, and eventually it will take priority over our future children. I understand he doesn't want to work terrible hours, rotating shifts, holidays, weekends, during family functions, and basically any other inconvenient thing you can think of but the truth is he chose this. I asked him recently if he could go back and do it over knowing how hard it is for us would he still do it...he said yes! He said YES and it hurt a lot more than I thought such a simple answer would. Knowing the number of times I have cried, knowing how much this has changed us, knowing how much he will miss throughout our life, knowing how much I will be alone...he still said yes.

I started dating him when I was 17 years old. We went to senior prom together, we stayed together through college, I even convinced my parents to let him come on our family vacations with us because the one year he wasn't allowed I missed him so much I spent the majority of my time reading books on the balcony basically sulking. He was diagnosed with Crohn's our first year of college and was in and out of hospitals for a couple months. I would spend every evening in the hospital with him playing 500 rummy. He was in Mount Sinai Hospital in the city that year during Easter and I brought hard-boiled eggs so we could still color them together. He was and still is more than my boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband but he is my best friend. We were each others priorities and I miss that relationship. I know he loves me and I love him but its different now. I would give anything to get it back and I know I can't. I know its over - I know that this is our new life and what we had is gone. I just wish he felt the same pain that I do - I just wish he didn't say yes.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Friday Off

Beav is off today!!! The first Friday in what feels like forever but has been probably a little more than 3 months. We are breaking the no meat on Friday rule for lent and going out with friends for wings and beer! Hey - if the pope can grant an excuse for people to eat corned beef on a Friday if St. Patrick's day falls during lent we can break it too! I bought a new pair of red heels and I just have a feeling that tonight is going to be great. I really do miss having Beav around on the weekends and being around when I am with our friends plus it is one of our friend's 24th birthday today so even more reason to get dressed up and celebrate!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Never say NEVER

Tonight Beav made an arrest. It was early in his tour so when I asked if he was going to get stuck he said no and he probably wouldn't even have to do a morning tour either. A couple hours later I get a text message saying he was going to have to do a morning tour and needed to be there at 8am. Now, he doesn't even get home until 3am and he lives about an hour away from work. So, I asked if he was staying there overnight. Initially, he said no that maybe he would come home, shower, change, and go back. I reasoned and said that he wouldn't get any sleep and be exhausted all tomorrow. If he stays at the station overnight he will at least sleep and then be a normal human tomorrow. Plus - I will get to see him tomorrow night :)

I surprised myself tonight. I always said that I would NEVER be ok with him sleeping at the station and "he better just get his butt home" but look...I was actually faced with the situation and I practically encouraged him to sleep there. Of course I had personal gain as my reason but none the less I supported him sleeping there. As I type this though I am second guessing if I made the right decision by encouraging him to sleep there or if I just opened a whole new can of worms. We shall see....either way I will be cuddling with him tomorrow night :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A little bit of everything...

I have mentioned that I am in school - nursing school specifically. This is my second bachelors and I have been in college continuously since 2005. My first BA I got in psychology and even though I love the subject there was no money to be made with only a BA and at that point in my life I wasn't fully committed to getting my PhD. My major issue was time and I didn't think I could dedicate at least the next 5 years to it. However, I have spent 1 doing my pre-reqs and than it will take me 2 years to finish my BSN in nursing so I really saved myself 2 years. More than likely though I will go back for my masters to I probably should have just went on to get my PhD - who would have known :)

The semester is more than half way over and I could not be more happy. This semester was physically and emotionally draining. At times, I am a huge hypochondriac and this semester really focused on the multiple diseases that could occur throughout the body in all of the systems. It was terrifying and I probably had a couple nervous breakdowns. In addition, in our psycho-social nursing class we spoke about caring for a sick and dying person. Did I mention I also have issues with death? Overall, this semester was like a nightmare. My grades are ok but my own insanity toke a hit. This summer I will spend 8 weeks doing pediatrics and OB which I am exciting about. It will be a change from the normal patient I see during my clinical I am on a telemetry floor so everyone has CHF, Afib, etc. My summer class ends a week before my wedding! Crazy - you say? Maybe or just really eager to be done with school. I am graduating May 2012 and nothing not even a wedding is going to mess up the plan.

Ok - so a posting is not complete without any talk about Beav. Work is going well - they are going to be switching everyone's hours to 7:30pm-4:05am which has pros and cons. We will be able to eat dinner together so that will be nice for a change however he is going to sleep all day long which will include his days off. No use in complaining though - it is happening regardless. He made his second arrest the other night. A male and a female were on the roof while the male was receiving oral sex. Honestly, everyone in that neighborhood knows they can not go on the roof why they constantly ignore that fact and ultimately get arrested for it is beyond me.

Overall, school is going well for me. I probably won't be receiving a 4.0 gpa this semester but I am ok with it. I have learned there are more important things in life than getting all As especially since no one really cares. Beav is doing great. He loves his job and I guess that is really all you can ask for someone. We are settling into police life which really just equals terrible schedules but it is getting easier. There are meltdowns on my part at times but we are getting through it. All together - we are happy, in love, and have exciting things to look forward to....what more could we ask for?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

You are just going to say NO!

Beav always has a very distinct way of letting me know that he wants something but also knows that I will disagree with what he is proposing. The conversation went something like this:

Beav: I want something but I know you are going to say no.
Me: (Chuckling - because of how he always phrases such convos) Just tell me.
Beav: No - because you are going to say no.
Me: I'm not your mother I can't say NO. Just tell me what you want.
Beav: I want a gun.
Me: Why do you want another gun? You already have 2.
Beav: It's not for work. It's for shooting at the range.
Me: Ok - how much is this gun?
Beav: $600.
Me: Absolutely not! You keep talking about how we don't have enough money for things such as our wedding, house, honeymoon, GAS for crying out loud. You want to spend $600 on a gun just for fun!!!
Beav: I knew you would say no.

After, some discussing he agreed that at this point in our lives spending $600 on a gun that he only wants so he can go have fun shooting might not be necessary. He even admitted that I am more realistic than he is! Huge accomplishment for me because he always says I live in a fantasy world lol I just hate that I have to be the bubble burster. I wish he would just realize on his own and then I wouldn't have to be the "bad guy". Because after I said that it was a selfish idea I felt guilty and then said ok I will get it for you for something. At that point, he said no because we weren't giving each other expensive gifts and honestly we could spend $600 in so many more productive ways. I just wish he would be more money conscious.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Green-Eyed Monster

I don't know about any of you ladies or men but I am a jealous person. I always have been - I'm not jealous of material possessions or anything like that. I am practical - I drive the same car that I driven since I was 17 years old and would it be awesome to have a better, nicer, shinier car....of course! But at this point in my life I need to keep, spend, or save my money for other things. I'm not impressed my expensive bags or shoes. I love jewelry! So, maybe if any material thing, I would be jealous of anything that sparkles. :)

The truth is...I'm jealous of anybody who gets to spend more time with Beav than I do. I was jealous of the people in the academy with him because while we were going 5 days at a time not seeing each other - these men/women were spending many hours with him. I feel this way sometimes even now in regards to whoever he is working with. I wish I got to spend 8 hours at a time with him - talking, joking, and eating. Yes, I know he is working but on slow nights where there is nothing going on I think a lot more of the above 3 occurs than actual work. I feel that I have dealt with him being gone during the weeknights well because between work and school I'm busy. My jealously really pokes it's ugly head on the weekends when I go out with my friends and at the end of the night they are kissing and hugging their significant others...I'm their alone. It bothers that I am not single yet I am a 3rd or 5th wheel. It bothers me that one of my childhood best friend's sister is turning 16 and is having a party where my family was invited and I received an invitation to Beav and myself. Of course, it is on a Saturday and of course, Beav is unable to get off for it. So, I will be attending the party as a single but of course with my family.

The other night Beav told me about a squad get together. Basically, the squad plans to do something one night a month on their days off and the other night they had planned to go bowling. They were meeting at a bowling alley that was far from where he lives so he decided not to go. However, it got me thinking how hurt I would be if he decided to go. I know that it makes me sounds like "that girl" but we don't get to spend 5 nights a week together and for him to go hang out with the same people he sees every night while he is not with me bothers me. My fellow cop wife said, "It's about the brotherhood." At times, I am jealous of this so-called "brotherhood".

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Such Pride

Beav went to the wake this afternoon for the NYPD officer who lost his life this weekend. He got all dressed in his fancy police blues. I watched him as he was getting dressed and it reminded me of when he was in the academy.

The academy was stressful for him. He is a perfectionist and always wanted everything to be perfect from his uniform to his bag. Of course, being screamed at for any little imperfection really instills the desire to be perfect. The living room became his dressing room. He had his uniforms, his gym clothes, his bag, and his gear all placed on the floor. He would get dressed in the living room, put all the stuff in the bag and everyday complain about how the bag they make the NYPD recruits use is so small compared to all the stuff they need to carry.

I looked at him today in his uniform with his gun attached to his belt and his shield. Even though the shield was tainted with a mourning band and it breaks my heart thinking about what his family is going through...I was overcome with such pride for my fiance. He really did it, he went through the academy and he is one of New York's Finest. This might not have been the path I would have chosen for myself but this is what he always wanted and he did it. I looked at my fiance with such pride today <3

Monday, March 14, 2011

Always Say I Love You

Beav and I got into an argument today as I was leaving for work. The details are not really important but he said something and I went to leave for work on angry terms. I walked out the door, closed it behind me, and went into my car. I started the car and sat there for 30 seconds knowing I had to go back inside.

This weekend was a bad weekend for Long Island police officers. A death occurred within the NYPD and the Nassau County Police Department. It reminds you never to leave on bad terms, always kiss each other good bye, and say I love you because it kills me to even think of it but it could be the last time.

I went back inside and we talked. I left happy, with a kiss, and an I love you <3

Saturday, March 12, 2011


I'm getting married! Not today or tomorrow but in less than 5 months and I am soooo excited. I guess I have been so busy between work, school and just life that I really have not realized the wedding is so soon. I can not wait until I marry the man that I truly call my best friend, lover, and soul mate. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.

We got engaged on November 7, 2009 - exactly a week before my 22nd birthday. He planned the entire day and it was amazing. We went into the city and went to the bronx zoo which was really nice because neither one of us have ever been there before.
This is us at the Bronx Zoo.

After, we decided to walk around Central Park. Again, we have both lived on Long Island for our entire lives but have never been to Central Park. We were having a great day but I could absolutely tell that he was getting a little nervous as the day progressed. We ended up in Shakespeare's Garden overlooking a pond. The area was a little secluded and we walked while looking at the water. Some time went by and Beav told me to turn around. As I turned, he was down on one knee and said, "I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else but you. Would you marry me?" Of course I said yes! 
This picture was taken seconds after he asked me <3
My Beautiful Engagement Ring <3
After making a million phone calls to our family and friends we still had more planned. We always talked about going to the sex museum so he included it into the day. It was an experience but it is not that cool. At one point, we were in a room with about 20 other people all just looking at porn. The museum was fun but I have always found even funnier the fact we went there the day we got engaged.

After, the museum we went out to eat at our favorite city location - Bubba Gumps. Then, luckily a bunch of our friends were in the city for a friend's birthday already so we met up with them and celebrated. It was an amazing day and the best part was he planned every detail himself. I truly can not wait until I can call him my husband <3

Thursday, March 10, 2011

These are the hands...

Beav had the last 5 days off - between the days he needed off for pre-cana and then his normal swing days off he lucked out. Unfortunately, I had to work and go to school the last three days but when I went over his house every night he had dinner waiting on the table for me which he cooked all by himself. I'm a lucky girl! :)

Pre-cana went really well. Prior to going, I have to admit that we were really not into the entire thing. However, we showed up bright and early on Saturday hoping for the best and we were not disappointed. The first day they had a psychologist speak about communication and conflict resolution which I thought was great. It was really based on everyday life and stuff that everyone falls into if you are not careful. They had us fill out sheets based on specific topics that were meant to inspire conversation between the couples and they did bring up stuff that was surprising. For example, on the children sheet it stated to pick the top 4 priority things you felt you wanted to instill in your child. I put hugs and kisses, respect for others, respect for oneself, and knowing right from wrong. Beav puts as one of his top 4 - college fund! Seriously!!! hahahah He said that I will give enough hugs and kisses for the both of us so he was being more practical. I found it so funny that he actually would put college fund as one of his top 4 - just wait and see I'm sure he will be giving more hugs and kisses than I will be. Overall, the weekend was great. We really communicated a lot and got to hang out with our friends on a Saturday night - together! I have to say after spending the last 5 nights with him I miss him so much tonight :(

The hosting couple ended the pre-cana weekend with a hand's blessing which I found to be so nice. I think I found the exact one they recited but if not it is very close. Either way, I figured I would share...

(Insert Bride’s Name) please face (Insert Groom’s Name) and hold his hands, palms up, so you may see the gift that they are to you.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work along side yours, as you build your future together, as you laugh and cry, as you share your innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands you will place with expectant joy against your stomach, until he too, feels his child stir within you.
These are the hands that look so large and strong, yet will be so gentle as he holds your baby for the first time.
These are the hands that will work long hours for you and your new family. 
These are that hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes: tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wrack your mind. 
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes, eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

(Insert Groom’s Name) please hold (Insert Bride’s Name) hands, palms up, so you may see the gift that they are to you. 

These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold each child in tender love, soothing them through illness and hurt, supporting and encouraging them along the way, and knowing when it is time to let go.
These are the hands that will massage tension from you neck and back in the evenings after you’ve both had a long hard day. 
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times. 
These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
They are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will hold you in joy and excitement and hope, each time she tells you that you are to have another child, that together you have created a new life.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team, everything you wish for can be realized.

(To Bride and Groom) Now clasp your hands tightly together...
May these hands always be held by one another. May they have strength to hold on through the storms of stress and the darkness of disillusionment. May they be tender and gentle as they nurture each other in love. May these hands build a marriage founded in grace, rich in caring, and reaching together to bring forth the very best in both.

Friday, March 4, 2011

6pm - 2am

Beav works from 6pm - 2am which really means roll call is at 5:30pm and he gets out at 2:05am. They work 8 hour and 35 minute tours so they have a 3 day weekend everyother week. At first I was so annoyed he got stuck with this shift because it meant that we wouldn't be seeing eachother for most nights for dinner and I go to school during the day so for many of the days we wouldn't cross paths. However, it has worked out. Some days we see eachother for longer and others I only see him for an hour or two which at one point in my life I would have laughed and said never. But we are use to it and we are always texting or sending eachother little pictures...thank god for technology! :)

I realized today - I'm jealous of his shift. lol I love staying up - I am absolutely a night person and feels that everything is more fun at 2am. At this point in my life though I don't have the luxury of staying up all night and waking up at noon. Most nights during the week I pass out between 10-11pm and am up at 6-7am depending upon the day. Beav went to bed last night at 5am and woke up at noon today. It's so funny how life changes because at one point Beav would be in bed by 10pm every night while I was on the computer or watching TV until the middle of the night. How roles have reversed....and I'm jealous!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

You were what....denied?!?

Beav and I have to go to pre-cana this weekend. To be honest, there was a time when Beav and I made it a priority to go to church every Sunday together but something happened and we lost it. At this time neither one of us are feeling very religious and wishes that our first weekend off together since January should not be spent talking about God and how our love is somehow related. But we are doing it regardless - who knows maybe we will learn something interesting.

The most annoying part of the situation is....of course its related to the NYPD...was that he was denied the days off yesterday! Beav put the papers in about a month ago and 3 days before he should have the day off they give him the paper back being denied!!! Unacceptable! Someone's job is to work in administration and a month turn over rate is ridiculous. So, today Beav returned to work with the confirmation letter stating he really has to go to pre-cana and we really spent $300 for this. The LT gave in and said ok but not before he suggested taking lost time. He wanted Beav to go to pre-cana from 9-4 then work from 5:30-2:05am. Maybe he could do it for one day but doing that schedule for 2 days would be dangerous. He would be exhausted and really not in the best mind frame to be out on the street with a gun. He explained that and the LT understood so thankfully the $300 was not wasted and this weekend we will go earn our pre-cana certificate from the Diocese of Rockville Centre.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Throwing Out Titles

There really isn't anything new to speak about with Beav's police life. He works in the projects (I think they call them something a little more fancy now but let's be real it is what it is.) and he says that no one really comes out in the cold, rain, or snow so there has not been much "action".

I've really been focusing less on being the fiance of a police officer. I think that the title can be consuming at times. Honestly, what does being a cop's wife mean anyway? When Beav just entered into the academy I searched online all about being a police officer, being a police officer's wife,  and the life of a police family. I was consumed with it and for the most part I found that so much of it was negative. I was instantly worried and scared to death about what the future held for me. Specifically, I found this poem and it literally made me cry when I read it I thought it was so depressing. Here it is:

What is a Police Wife?

A Police wife is a woman who is married to a man who is "married" to his job, his partner, and his badge. A Police wife can usually be found cooking breakfast at midnight, picking up his uniform at the cleaners, and spending nights alone.

A Police wife must be a good listener, not questioning him. She must be understanding when he goes out for a beer with his buddies, doesn't feel like taking her to the movies, or has an exam to study for.

A Police wife must live with shift work, lonely holidays, bad jokes, ulcers and alcohol, bulletproof vests, and fixed incomes. She is used to words like rape, robbery, assault, and child abuse. She is familiar with night school, stakeouts, overtime and being on her own.

Most women are not born or raised to be a Police wife; it is something that they have chosen to do. Some can and others cannot. She will spend each day learning, listening to, and loving a man that few people respect and most others hate.

A Police wife makes beds, breakfasts, and love to a man who spends more time with junkies, hookers, informants, pimps, and partners than he does her. She attends dinners, meetings, and sometimes funerals.

A Police wife watches as the man she loves grows old before his time, watches him become cold and unfeeling, but she will remain his friend, wife and lover. She will always be these things to him, but she also knows he is first, A Police Officer.

When a wife kisses him as he leaves for work, she will make a silent wish that he will return to her. And every time there is a knock at the door, she will pray it is not the Chief of Police and her husbands partner coming to say kind things about her husband, how brave he was, how dedicated he was.

Being a Police wife means lots of trust, love, and worry, but when he says, "I love you," it makes it all worthwhile.

I have to say that I am very new to this police life but I understand some stuff the woman wrote about and agree with some of it but even still while I read the poem I feel a sense of anger. It makes cop's wives sound like our lives are to appease our husband. That their needs and wants should always come first because he is the police officer. That our needs come second. For example, "A Police wife is a woman who is married to a man who is "married" to his job, his partner, and his badge." This infuriates me! I am going to be married to a man that loves me and in return he is going to be married to me. Not his job, his partner, or badge but to me! I might be to new and not in touch with what this life will really be like but I know something for sure. I am going to try my very hardest to not become like the woman who wrote that poem because it makes me sad to think that it is really the way she views her life - that her husband is more devoted to his job than to her.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Guess who got pulled over today...

Beav ever since he became a police officer has wanted to get pulled over just so he could get himself out of a ticket. Stupid I know but it's the truth. Me on the other hand barely drives over 55mph, stops at yellow instead of going through red, and always lets other drivers merge in yet I get pulled over today! For the absolute worst thing ever - not moving over a lane when a police officer has someone pulled over on the side of the road. I know what you are thinking! A cop just died because someone hit him while he was doing a car stop I should know better - and I do!!! I was driving in the right lane (like I said I like to drive 55mph) and I was on the Southern State Parkway just trying to get to work and bam! The cop I guess was finished with his car stop and then pulled me over - a State Trooper none the less. I was honest and said I completely forgot that it was a law now and I showed him my license which was luckily in my shield wallet from being out over the weekend so he asked where I got that from. I explained my fiance got it for me and told him where he works. He let me go without a ticket and for one of the first times thanked god that my fiance is a police officer. :)

Thursday, February 17, 2011


A couple of posts ago I mentioned how when school started I would be busy and not notice how much Beav is gone. The truth is he isn't gone that much the real problem is he works terrible hours so I dont see him that much but we make time even its for an hour. However, I am always on the go. Between school and work I am exhausted. Wednesday and Thursday I wake up at 5:30am to be at the hospital for clinical, I'm there until about 1:30pm, I see Beav for about an hour where I usually pass out from being so tired and go to work and finally I get home around 8-8:30pm. Exhausted I am!

Beav and I don't live together so we are looking for a house. Unfortunately, many of the houses in our price range need so much work more work than we could take care of. So, today I spoke with Beav about asking his mother if we would be able to live in his late great aunt's condo for a little while after we get married. His great aunt passed away almost 5 years ago but the condo was paid off so they were just waiting to sell it until the market got better so hopefully this will work for us. I can only do so much and between school, work, and the wedding I am spent. Let's cross our fingers that the maintance fees are not to expensive!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Day

Like I mentioned previously Beav had off from work on Valtine's Day which was made my day. Honestly, we could have done absolutely nothing and I would have been happy. I got home from school at 5pm and Beav came over shortly after with red roses and a card. We went out to dinner and went back to his house where he had a suprise for mee. He made all by himself chocolate covered strawberries, pretzels, bananas, and marshmallows, along with getting us a bottle of champagne. In our relationship, I do most of the planning but yesterday he did everything and I felt so pampered by him. It was probably one of the best Valentine's Day we ever had and to think we weren't even going to be seeing eachother. Thank you NYPD for changing his squad :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Is he working, again?

Me: "Beav's squad got switched today."

My Mother: "So, he won't be home for Bob's (my birthday) birthday?"

Me: "No, he was going to be off but he is working now."

My Mother: "Oh - He is working on Saturday during his family birthday party, right? (I have previously posted about the insane amount of family birthday parties.)

Me: "Yea - He won't have a weekend off now until the beginning of April."

My Mother: "Wow - People are going to forget he even exists."

End of Conversation.

I know she didn't mean anything by it but it is so annoying! Yes, I know he is not around a lot. Yes, I know that he misses a lot of family functions. But I also know that for the last 6 years he has always made it to every single one and if he wasn't working he would be there.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Squad Change

Beav got his official squad today. He went from squad 3 to squad 1 which probably doesn't mean much to anyone but I already looked into what days he would have been off when he was squad 3. I was looking forward to spending Easter, his birthday, my birthday and spending a Friday night together in the next 2 weeks. Now, we wont be spending any of those days together and won't have a weekend night off until the beginning of April which seems so far away. The plus though is we will see eachother for Valentine's Day! Unfortunately, I didn't think we would be seeing eachother so no reservations were made anywhere. It doesn't matter though - I'm just excited I won't be alone on Valentine's day <3

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's Cute, Just Like You

The other night Beav texted me while he was at work to let me know he forgot to give me a present he got me. Of course, I couldn't wait until the next day to get it so I continued to push for him to tell me what it is. He repeatedly declined to let me know and stated that he doesn't think I am going to like it so he is not going to tell me because he doesn't want to get mad. Instantly, my mind starts racing and thinking what could it be and if he didn't think I would like it than why would he get it for me? I realized that he just put in an order for some knives for a fellow cop and himself so I asked if he bought me a knife. Ding Ding Ding! I got it. I asked why he bought me a knife and he said, "Because it is small and cute just like you." Now I am proud owner of a small and "cute" knife" that he wants me to carry around with me in my bag. It's amazing how we lived 23 years pretty safe and within 2 months he needs to carry a gun with him at all times and he is giving me knives to protect myself. How life changes...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

24 Hour Shifts?!?

Beav got his very first arrest a couple nights ago!!! I was so excited for him because he was actually the very last of the new guys in his pct to get one and he did it before the end of the month so he made his "performance goal" aka quota. He made the arrest towards the end of the tour so of course he had to stay late to process the arrest. Then, he had to stay to speak with the ada so he had to wait until the morning. Finally, he was told to just stay for the morning tour. So, after all that he ended up working 25 hours and being up for about 32 hours. I don't know how he does it!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Flying Solo....Well Not Really

Before this crazy work schedule - my fiance and I were inseparable. We had the same group of friends so honestly anything we did was usually together until obviously the NYPD. I have been thinking about this for awhile now. Most of our friends are all coupled up either dating, engaged, or married. However, my best friend is currently single and is honestly my saving grace. She is willing to do anything from doing errands with me to accompanying me to a bar for a birthday get together. I mentioned this to my "cop's wives club" friends and they said that she is my fiance replacement. At first, I denied it but the more I thought about it I guess I agree. I don't know if I would go to a bar alone to meet people that I am not that friendly with.

Family Birthday Parties - They are huge in my family! Everyone gets one until basically you die so for a bunch of Saturdays in the year we go to an aunt, cousin, grandparents, etc. birthday party. Beav (I have decided to start using this has his new name so I don't have to say my fiance all the time. I'm sure everyone gets that he is my fiance. Beav is not totally random - it is what we call each other sometimes. How it came about is a whole different story. lol) So I continue...Beav and I started dating almost 6 years ago and at first he didn't mind birthday parties. After a couple of years, he started to complain I guess as anyone would I even complain sometimes they are on a Saturday and at times so often. Since he graduated the academy he has missed 2 family events and today will make the third. I miss him not being with me. The hardest is when everyone is coupled up with their girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse and I'm alone. Honestly, I'm not alone because my entire family is there but it would definitely be nice to have him there. My mom said the other day that he finally got out of family birthday parties which I guess is true. He was finding a way out one way or another.

This is the first time since I was probably 15 that I have to fly solo! It is weird, a little sad, at times lonely but at the same time I am learning so much about myself. I'm learning to do things alone without my other half. At times, I feel like I'm missing something or am a little bit naked. Day by day though I'm stronger and more independent than I ever thought I would be and to be honest - I am proud of myself.

Friday, January 21, 2011

So....Are you packing?

Guns...This is a topic that I must have missed the memo about. Before my fiance got his gun on gun and shield day I never saw a real like gun before. I accidentally touched one while hugging one of our friends who is a police officer which I responded by pulling back as fast as I could. The day my fiance got his gun I truly think was one of his proudest moments in life so far. He was thrilled and couldn't wait to show me. I was nervous and completely unsure about the situation especially since I knew that weekend he would be taking me to the range to shoot. He had evening in the academy so the next morning I go over his house and I knew he had it on so I hug him above where I think the gun should be. He laughs and asks if I am scared. Of course I say no (because I am super tough lol). He goes, "Do you want to see it?" Now, I know he wants to show me and saying no really is only delaying the inevitable so I say sure. He proceeds to show me the entire thing, how to take it apart, how to make sure there is no bullet in the chamber, how to reload it, etc. He wanted me to be 100% comfortable which after this one lesson believe me I wasn't. But I played along and followed his direction on how to do all of the tasks.

Then Saturday comes along and he goes, "We are going to the range!" I was less than thrilled but we were going out East to do some Christmas shopping so I figured it was going to happen eventually and he really wanted me to shoot the gun so ok let's go. Driving there I really couldn't believe that I was going shoot a gun, a real gun, not a paintball gun or an airsoft gun but a gun that people kill other people with. We arrive at the range, he fills up the magazines (I think that is what they are called), puts our target on the post and goes, "Ok - you wanna go first?" Now, at this point, I am completely overwhelmed! There are bullets being shot off all over the place and all I keep thinking is only one person has to lose their mind and we are all dead. Needless to say, I tell him to go first and I will watch this first time. He shoots off the first  round, reloads the gun, and goes "Ok - your turn." I step up, grab the gun in my hands, and realize that this is completely not me. Holding something in my hand that could kill someone in a split second is just not who I am never mind actually shooting the thing off. But I am here and my fiance is looking at me with pure excitement that we are actually here and I am about to shoot his gun off. So, my mind is telling me to put the gun down and go back to the car, cover my ears, and tell him to meet me in there when he is done. My heart is telling me to shoot the gun, your fiance is standing there loving every second of this and honestly you are going to be a cop's wife - you need to be able to shoot a gun. So, I lift it up, look at the target, and shoot. I'm not even sure if it hit the target but I officially shot a gun! I put the gun down and said, "I'm done - your turn." He was patient and more understanding than I thought he would be but he didn't fight me about it. He toke the gun and finished the rest of the round. After, he handed me the gun and said you need to shoot more than one bullet. I did and I eventually probably shot more than him by the end of the day. I am proud to say that on the target that we counted how many rounds I shot - I shot 30 bullets, 26 making it on the target, and 14 being within the orange circle. I was proud of myself! I was proud though of my hand - eye coordination not really so much about my shooting skills. Honestly, if I never shoot a gun again I will be completely ok with it and I pray to God every night that he never has to shoot his gun. I am no longer afraid which doesn't mean that I completely agree with his need to carry it all the time but I'm not afraid to hug him which was something I thought I would never be ok doing while I knew he had it on.

Question is...Is your man packing? :)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Only Temporary

The last couple posts I feel that I have been more negative than anything. On a positive note - I love my fiance and am extremely proud of him. He worked so hard in the academy. He studied, ran and exercised harder than he ever had, and accomplished so much in 6 months. The academy was harder for me than I ever thought. It was time consuming and it was the first time that we were on opposite schedules. There was weeks that I didn't see him for the entire Monday-Friday work week. It was a strain but we got through it. I was going to school, I got a job where I worked evenings, and between the two I didn't have much time to realize how little he was unavailable because I was unavailable myself. I am going to school to be a nurse and hopefully soon I will be employed in a hospital working nonconventional hours with random days off. Our lives will not be so different and once I graduate I won't be so busy. This is only temporary!

The truth is - I love saying my fiance is a police officer :) There is just something very hott about it :)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Someone gets shot and my entire Sunday needs to get rescheduled!

Today is my fiance's scheduled day off but guess where he is work...since 5:30pm yesterday! We had made an appointment to get massages and to look at a house that we are interested in buying. All of which now has to be cancelled because some idiot shot a girl in the face (I believe the girl is still alive). The night went like this...I feel asleep around 1am. I woke up at 4am looked at my phone and noticed he texted me saying there was a shooting and he was still at work. I automatically text back - what? when?. He calls - proceeds to tell me the story and that he is standing watching the crime scene. What he was watching is beyond me? The blood coagulate? Anyway, he tells me he is hoping to get out soon and we should still be able to get our massages. Finally, he calls 8:30am tells me he is still there and he doesn't think we will make the 11:00am appointment. Obviously, I don't think we will be making it because of the fact its almost 2 hours away and he didn't even leave work yet plus he is pushing being up already for 24 hours. He apologizes and tells me he will hopefully be leaving soon. Its 10am now and he has yet to call me to tell me he is leaving work. I'm guessing our 2pm appointment to see the house needs to be rescheduled also. I'm not mad because he didn't want to be out there all night and miss the massages. But frustrated...I am! I can't schedule things on his work day and now I can't even schedule anything on his days off. Question is do you just never make plans? Live minute to minute - if it works out good if not whatever.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

3 Day Swings!

This past weekend we encountered our very first 3 day swing! The added bonus was that it was a Saturday, Sunday, and Monday!!! It felt like a mini-vacation with nothing either one of us had to do. Honestly, whoever thought of the rotating shift schedule was pretty smart. It is very fair and not one person will always get stuck working the weekends. I might be singing a different tune when he is off a Tuesday and Wednesday while I'm going to school and working but this past weekend I was absolutely a fan!!!

This leads me into his work day...I have found that when he is scheduled to work it is hard to plan anything what so ever. As mostly everyone who has a TV knows there has been some snow and New York got hit with I think my weather channel said 9 inches or something like that in the city. He works 6pm - 2am (lets be honest - 5:30pm - 2:05am) which was prime time for the snow. I got a text around 2:30am stating they are keeping them for an indefinite period of time. Finally, around 5:50am he says he is home and he doesn't go to bed until 6:30am! Work days are definitely unpredictable! Now I was sleeping through all of this so it didn't impact me until I woke up and our morning plans had to be rearranged a little. Lesson learned - expect the unexpected especially scheduled work days! I am learning so much already :)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Cop's Wives Club

Last night was a bad night and today was an even worse morning. I spoke with my amazing fiance about how I feel alone and my fears that this career path will ruin our relationship. We spoke - I cried - He hugged me (which is his thing - if things are bad or either one of us are upset he just wants to hug lol) and today he has sporadically texted me letting me know how his day is going and I think to show me that he thinks about me as much as I think about him. Let me repeat - I have an amazing fiance <3

What I have learned today is....It is so important to have a group of girls/women that you can confide in that are also cop's wives/girlfriends/etc. I am a talker and also a listener but when I have a problem I talk. I talk to my mother, my best friend, the people I work with, and basically anyone who will listen. So today like no different - I talked. The problem was no one really understood. The basic thing I got from everyone (except my fellow cop's wives club members) were..."you knew he wanted to be a cop" which I have mentioned before I did know. However, until you are in the situation and living it I firmly believe that you do not know or really understand for that matter. So, after getting no where and feeling worse than I already did. I decided to speak to the really only other two cop's wives I know which I also consider to be my friends. I ended up hanging out with them - enjoying a couple of beers and discussing our situations which are all different yet the same. I left feeling better, not alone, and confident that I will get through this because I am not the only one that is having issues and I am not the only one who feels lonely or scared.

What I learned tonight is...It is so important to have a group of girls/women that are also cop's wives/girlfriends/etc. because not once did they say well "you knew he wanted to be a cop". Because until you are here - you honestly DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Beginning

This actually isn't the beginning - my life altering change officially occurred July 6th, 2011 when my fiance got on the train looking extremely handsome in a brand-new Perry Ellis suit that we just purchased the weekend before. The man that went on the train, July 6th, looks nothing like the man that got off the train December 27th. (He actually didn't get off the train because he drove into the city for his graduation.) Obviously, his suit is replaced with a blue uniform, his coach wallet is replaced with a plain black wallet that carries his shield and ID, the phone that once was clipped to his hip is replaced with a gun A GUN! - The thing that is used to kill people is on the belt of the man I love and the worst image I have is him actually having to use it.

Now, to be fair...this wasn't a case of my fiance having some sort of career crisis and threw himself into this crazy career. I met my future husband in high school and started dating our senior year. He told me then during those hour long conversations that last into the middle of the night when you first start dating someone he wanted to be a cop. At the time, I thought, great!, I found someone who is realistic and doesn't want to be a professional football player or something extremely unlikely. Anyway, we were 18 and who really knows what they want to be at 18 - except of course - him! We went to college where he got a bachelors in criminal justice with a concentration I believe in police and the community. In May 2008, he toke the NYPD test and the waiting began. Now, don't get me wrong, I correlated him becoming a cop with the beginning of our future so I was praying every night that with the next academy class brought the lovely phone call that he should report. Our prayers were answered and like I said he started July 6th, 2011.

I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous that I hate that he is a cop because this is what I knew he wanted for at least 6 years and this is what we begged and prayed for to happen. But to be honest, I am having a tremendous difficulty accepting this lifestyle. Now, I am an intelligent woman. I have a bachelors degree and am currently in school yet again getting another bachelors but in nursing this time around because unfortunately for me I didn't know what I wanted to do at 18! So, despite the fact I might sound stupid, I honestly didn't really know that this was going to be like this.