Monday, April 25, 2011

Beav is...

24 today!!! I have dated him since he was 17. I can not believe that he is turning 24 today. Looking back we have shared so many good and bad times together but I wouldn't change anything.

A Sonic opened up today on Long Island so of course he wanted to go get some for lunch. Unfortunately, so did everyone else on Long Island so we were unable to wait on the insane line and chose to go to the diner instead. I felt bad because he was so tired and slightly annoyed with himself that he didn't take off for his birthday not that they would have approved it anyway.

Overall, he had a nice day and I bought him the boots he wanted for work so he was excited. Hopefully, it won't be to busy tonight at work and he can have a relaxed night at work.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed the day with family and friends.

Beav and I starting splitting holidays between our families since we got engaged. This year for Easter it was my parents house for dinner and dessert for his. However, he has work tonight and needed to leave by 3:45pm. I explained to my mom that we needed to eat a little earlier than usual and if she felt that it was to early or she didn't want to do it then we understood but we would then eat at his parents house. Of course, she guaranteed that dinner would be ready and we would eat lasagna at 2:30 and then dinner at 3:00pm. I have to admit I had my doubts. My family is never on time for anything! I even had a dream last night that the food was not going to be ready...that is how worried I was! But my mother is amazing and everything was perfect. My grandparents and great aunt showed up at 2:15pm and at 2:30pm we were eating lasagna. We all got to eat dinner together and life was normal. Well, until 3:50pm when he said he really had to go to work but with a container of Easter dinner in his hand and a piece of pineapple upside down cake for dessert later - he was off.

My grandmother asked me if I was sad after he left. The truth was...I was ok. I knew he had work today and we planned accordingly. We saw his family in the morning instead for dessert and we ate dinner with my family like normal. He wasn't around all day but he was around and I was happy. Our life might not be typical but it is becoming "our normal".

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Med-Surg Clinical Complete

I attended my last med-surg clinical today. I am so happy that I will have 4 weeks off from waking up at 5:30am. I absolutely hate waking up so early but it got easier especially since I was doing it twice a week for the last 13 weeks. My professor was great and is honestly one of the strongest women I have ever met. Her husband is battling cancer for the last 2 1/2 years. Her outlook and strength amazes me every time she talked about her situation. It really made me think about my own situation and how blessed I really am.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sweet 16

The Sweet 16 was yesterday and I attended without Beav. I survived and Beav texted me throughout the party asking about how it was, what I ended up wearing, how the food was, and if I was dancing. I guess he was trying to be there the best way he could. 

I want to make a point about how young girls dress. I am only 23 years old so I wasn't 16 that long ago but I do not remember dressing like that. These dresses were so short that they constantly had to pull them down while dancing, they were skin tight where nothing was hidden even the skinniest girl looked like she had a little belly, and the boobies! I have big boobies so I understand how annoying it is to sometimes get the girls under control but I don't think an attempt was even made with some girls. It was shocking and embarrassing at times for them but they will learn I guess we all do that showing a little less sometimes is worth more than displaying it all.

Overall, the party was really nice. It made me excited  for my wedding. I can't wait until my family and friends are all together celebrating the marriage of Beav and I. It was my childhood best friend's sister who was turning 16 so it was nice that I got to catch up with her. Younger we were inseparable and were like sisters but as life went on and boyfriends/friends changed we separated but it is always nice to go back sometimes. We sat in her house and talked like our relationship never changed. But it is a scene that occurs time and time again. Unfortunately, our lives don't mesh as good and we reconnect but it never sticks. I do miss her though.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not There Yet

I read everyone's blogs and I want to be where you all are or at least seem. I want to be well-adjusted and supportive of his career but I can't get past the annoying fact that this career is affecting our relationship. I grieve the relationship we once had. I miss the man that use to be home at 4pm, who ate dinner with me, I miss the man that use to be home every weekend to accompany me out with our friends. I hate that this career takes priority over everything. It takes priority over me, our relationship, our families, and eventually it will take priority over our future children. I understand he doesn't want to work terrible hours, rotating shifts, holidays, weekends, during family functions, and basically any other inconvenient thing you can think of but the truth is he chose this. I asked him recently if he could go back and do it over knowing how hard it is for us would he still do it...he said yes! He said YES and it hurt a lot more than I thought such a simple answer would. Knowing the number of times I have cried, knowing how much this has changed us, knowing how much he will miss throughout our life, knowing how much I will be alone...he still said yes.

I started dating him when I was 17 years old. We went to senior prom together, we stayed together through college, I even convinced my parents to let him come on our family vacations with us because the one year he wasn't allowed I missed him so much I spent the majority of my time reading books on the balcony basically sulking. He was diagnosed with Crohn's our first year of college and was in and out of hospitals for a couple months. I would spend every evening in the hospital with him playing 500 rummy. He was in Mount Sinai Hospital in the city that year during Easter and I brought hard-boiled eggs so we could still color them together. He was and still is more than my boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband but he is my best friend. We were each others priorities and I miss that relationship. I know he loves me and I love him but its different now. I would give anything to get it back and I know I can't. I know its over - I know that this is our new life and what we had is gone. I just wish he felt the same pain that I do - I just wish he didn't say yes.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Friday Off

Beav is off today!!! The first Friday in what feels like forever but has been probably a little more than 3 months. We are breaking the no meat on Friday rule for lent and going out with friends for wings and beer! Hey - if the pope can grant an excuse for people to eat corned beef on a Friday if St. Patrick's day falls during lent we can break it too! I bought a new pair of red heels and I just have a feeling that tonight is going to be great. I really do miss having Beav around on the weekends and being around when I am with our friends plus it is one of our friend's 24th birthday today so even more reason to get dressed up and celebrate!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Never say NEVER

Tonight Beav made an arrest. It was early in his tour so when I asked if he was going to get stuck he said no and he probably wouldn't even have to do a morning tour either. A couple hours later I get a text message saying he was going to have to do a morning tour and needed to be there at 8am. Now, he doesn't even get home until 3am and he lives about an hour away from work. So, I asked if he was staying there overnight. Initially, he said no that maybe he would come home, shower, change, and go back. I reasoned and said that he wouldn't get any sleep and be exhausted all tomorrow. If he stays at the station overnight he will at least sleep and then be a normal human tomorrow. Plus - I will get to see him tomorrow night :)

I surprised myself tonight. I always said that I would NEVER be ok with him sleeping at the station and "he better just get his butt home" but look...I was actually faced with the situation and I practically encouraged him to sleep there. Of course I had personal gain as my reason but none the less I supported him sleeping there. As I type this though I am second guessing if I made the right decision by encouraging him to sleep there or if I just opened a whole new can of worms. We shall see....either way I will be cuddling with him tomorrow night :)