Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not There Yet

I read everyone's blogs and I want to be where you all are or at least seem. I want to be well-adjusted and supportive of his career but I can't get past the annoying fact that this career is affecting our relationship. I grieve the relationship we once had. I miss the man that use to be home at 4pm, who ate dinner with me, I miss the man that use to be home every weekend to accompany me out with our friends. I hate that this career takes priority over everything. It takes priority over me, our relationship, our families, and eventually it will take priority over our future children. I understand he doesn't want to work terrible hours, rotating shifts, holidays, weekends, during family functions, and basically any other inconvenient thing you can think of but the truth is he chose this. I asked him recently if he could go back and do it over knowing how hard it is for us would he still do it...he said yes! He said YES and it hurt a lot more than I thought such a simple answer would. Knowing the number of times I have cried, knowing how much this has changed us, knowing how much he will miss throughout our life, knowing how much I will be alone...he still said yes.

I started dating him when I was 17 years old. We went to senior prom together, we stayed together through college, I even convinced my parents to let him come on our family vacations with us because the one year he wasn't allowed I missed him so much I spent the majority of my time reading books on the balcony basically sulking. He was diagnosed with Crohn's our first year of college and was in and out of hospitals for a couple months. I would spend every evening in the hospital with him playing 500 rummy. He was in Mount Sinai Hospital in the city that year during Easter and I brought hard-boiled eggs so we could still color them together. He was and still is more than my boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband but he is my best friend. We were each others priorities and I miss that relationship. I know he loves me and I love him but its different now. I would give anything to get it back and I know I can't. I know its over - I know that this is our new life and what we had is gone. I just wish he felt the same pain that I do - I just wish he didn't say yes.


  1. Wow, sounds like you are having a really rough go of it at the moment. :( So sorry! Have there been any good things yet? I know you are mourning the loss of the life you used to have together, and I think that's normal. I have mourned the loss of my "previous" life in every transition: the death of my dad and various other family members, graduation from college, getting married, having kids. Notice, those are some stereotypical sad AND happy things, but I seriously feel that you must grieve what you no longer have to enjoy what you do have in every transition.

    That being said.... if Beav said he would do it all over again, that makes me think he is pretty happy overall in the profession. Yes, there are certainly negatives about it all. Yes, it is different than the life you may have had before. But if likes it ~ That's totally a positive! Some people live their whole lives in a job they hate. Can you hang on to that and love that for him?

    I've been a police wife for a little over 6 years. So, not long in the scheme of things. My DH was not a LEO when we first met, although I knew he was interested in joining the military so I could see an "atypical" wife life in my future. This transition from non-LEO family to LEO family can be rough. But I really, really want to encourage you to look for the positives. I love that my DH is off on a weekday, when we can go do all the "fun" stuff most other people have to cram in on the weekends with all the millions of other regular working stiffs.

    We do have an alternative family life and schedule, but it works for us. It's hard sometimes when it is different than "everybody else" but we make it work. And it's ours.

    One final note ~ I see that you are a nursing students. I think of nursing as another prime example of shift work, like police work. Perhaps once you are finished with school and working as a nurse, you'll get a similar schedule to his?!?! Just a thought.....

    Keep your chin up!

  2. Thank you! When I wrote this I was sad, really sad at the moment. A lot of the times it is like a roller coaster. I feel fine about everything and supportive and then BAMM I am angry or upset maybe a little bit of both. It has been a process and an experience making this transition. It has been hard but inside I am happy that he loves his career and enjoys what he does. I just wish this was easier but everyone says that you adjust and get use to it so that is what I am holding on to.

  3. HUGS! I've always thought those of us who knew what we were saying yes to have it easier than those of you whose husbands rearranged your entire life plan. When my husband proposed, I remember thinking, "Is this the life I want?" You never got that opportunity, so I think you have every right to mourn what you "lost".

    However, I think being a PW gives us a unique opportunity to have exceptionally strong marriages. You mentioned being there for your husband when he was in the hospital; I'll bet that experience, while tough, ultimately brought you closer together. Being married to a LEO can do the same thing. We learn not to take each other (or time together) for granted.

    Don't give up; schedules and details get easier. And for the inevitable days when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, that's what your fellow PWs are for! ;-)