I read everyone's blogs and I want to be where you all are or at least seem. I want to be well-adjusted and supportive of his career but I can't get past the annoying fact that this career is affecting our relationship. I grieve the relationship we once had. I miss the man that use to be home at 4pm, who ate dinner with me, I miss the man that use to be home every weekend to accompany me out with our friends. I hate that this career takes priority over everything. It takes priority over me, our relationship, our families, and eventually it will take priority over our future children. I understand he doesn't want to work terrible hours, rotating shifts, holidays, weekends, during family functions, and basically any other inconvenient thing you can think of but the truth is he chose this. I asked him recently if he could go back and do it over knowing how hard it is for us would he still do it...he said yes! He said YES and it hurt a lot more than I thought such a simple answer would. Knowing the number of times I have cried, knowing how much this has changed us, knowing how much he will miss throughout our life, knowing how much I will be alone...he still said yes.
I started dating him when I was 17 years old. We went to senior prom together, we stayed together through college, I even convinced my parents to let him come on our family vacations with us because the one year he wasn't allowed I missed him so much I spent the majority of my time reading books on the balcony basically sulking. He was diagnosed with Crohn's our first year of college and was in and out of hospitals for a couple months. I would spend every evening in the hospital with him playing 500 rummy. He was in Mount Sinai Hospital in the city that year during Easter and I brought hard-boiled eggs so we could still color them together. He was and still is more than my boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband but he is my best friend. We were each others priorities and I miss that relationship. I know he loves me and I love him but its different now. I would give anything to get it back and I know I can't. I know its over - I know that this is our new life and what we had is gone. I just wish he felt the same pain that I do - I just wish he didn't say yes.