Saturday, January 29, 2011

Flying Solo....Well Not Really

Before this crazy work schedule - my fiance and I were inseparable. We had the same group of friends so honestly anything we did was usually together until obviously the NYPD. I have been thinking about this for awhile now. Most of our friends are all coupled up either dating, engaged, or married. However, my best friend is currently single and is honestly my saving grace. She is willing to do anything from doing errands with me to accompanying me to a bar for a birthday get together. I mentioned this to my "cop's wives club" friends and they said that she is my fiance replacement. At first, I denied it but the more I thought about it I guess I agree. I don't know if I would go to a bar alone to meet people that I am not that friendly with.

Family Birthday Parties - They are huge in my family! Everyone gets one until basically you die so for a bunch of Saturdays in the year we go to an aunt, cousin, grandparents, etc. birthday party. Beav (I have decided to start using this has his new name so I don't have to say my fiance all the time. I'm sure everyone gets that he is my fiance. Beav is not totally random - it is what we call each other sometimes. How it came about is a whole different story. lol) So I continue...Beav and I started dating almost 6 years ago and at first he didn't mind birthday parties. After a couple of years, he started to complain I guess as anyone would I even complain sometimes they are on a Saturday and at times so often. Since he graduated the academy he has missed 2 family events and today will make the third. I miss him not being with me. The hardest is when everyone is coupled up with their girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse and I'm alone. Honestly, I'm not alone because my entire family is there but it would definitely be nice to have him there. My mom said the other day that he finally got out of family birthday parties which I guess is true. He was finding a way out one way or another.

This is the first time since I was probably 15 that I have to fly solo! It is weird, a little sad, at times lonely but at the same time I am learning so much about myself. I'm learning to do things alone without my other half. At times, I feel like I'm missing something or am a little bit naked. Day by day though I'm stronger and more independent than I ever thought I would be and to be honest - I am proud of myself.

Friday, January 21, 2011

So....Are you packing?

Guns...This is a topic that I must have missed the memo about. Before my fiance got his gun on gun and shield day I never saw a real like gun before. I accidentally touched one while hugging one of our friends who is a police officer which I responded by pulling back as fast as I could. The day my fiance got his gun I truly think was one of his proudest moments in life so far. He was thrilled and couldn't wait to show me. I was nervous and completely unsure about the situation especially since I knew that weekend he would be taking me to the range to shoot. He had evening in the academy so the next morning I go over his house and I knew he had it on so I hug him above where I think the gun should be. He laughs and asks if I am scared. Of course I say no (because I am super tough lol). He goes, "Do you want to see it?" Now, I know he wants to show me and saying no really is only delaying the inevitable so I say sure. He proceeds to show me the entire thing, how to take it apart, how to make sure there is no bullet in the chamber, how to reload it, etc. He wanted me to be 100% comfortable which after this one lesson believe me I wasn't. But I played along and followed his direction on how to do all of the tasks.

Then Saturday comes along and he goes, "We are going to the range!" I was less than thrilled but we were going out East to do some Christmas shopping so I figured it was going to happen eventually and he really wanted me to shoot the gun so ok let's go. Driving there I really couldn't believe that I was going shoot a gun, a real gun, not a paintball gun or an airsoft gun but a gun that people kill other people with. We arrive at the range, he fills up the magazines (I think that is what they are called), puts our target on the post and goes, "Ok - you wanna go first?" Now, at this point, I am completely overwhelmed! There are bullets being shot off all over the place and all I keep thinking is only one person has to lose their mind and we are all dead. Needless to say, I tell him to go first and I will watch this first time. He shoots off the first  round, reloads the gun, and goes "Ok - your turn." I step up, grab the gun in my hands, and realize that this is completely not me. Holding something in my hand that could kill someone in a split second is just not who I am never mind actually shooting the thing off. But I am here and my fiance is looking at me with pure excitement that we are actually here and I am about to shoot his gun off. So, my mind is telling me to put the gun down and go back to the car, cover my ears, and tell him to meet me in there when he is done. My heart is telling me to shoot the gun, your fiance is standing there loving every second of this and honestly you are going to be a cop's wife - you need to be able to shoot a gun. So, I lift it up, look at the target, and shoot. I'm not even sure if it hit the target but I officially shot a gun! I put the gun down and said, "I'm done - your turn." He was patient and more understanding than I thought he would be but he didn't fight me about it. He toke the gun and finished the rest of the round. After, he handed me the gun and said you need to shoot more than one bullet. I did and I eventually probably shot more than him by the end of the day. I am proud to say that on the target that we counted how many rounds I shot - I shot 30 bullets, 26 making it on the target, and 14 being within the orange circle. I was proud of myself! I was proud though of my hand - eye coordination not really so much about my shooting skills. Honestly, if I never shoot a gun again I will be completely ok with it and I pray to God every night that he never has to shoot his gun. I am no longer afraid which doesn't mean that I completely agree with his need to carry it all the time but I'm not afraid to hug him which was something I thought I would never be ok doing while I knew he had it on.

Question is...Is your man packing? :)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Only Temporary

The last couple posts I feel that I have been more negative than anything. On a positive note - I love my fiance and am extremely proud of him. He worked so hard in the academy. He studied, ran and exercised harder than he ever had, and accomplished so much in 6 months. The academy was harder for me than I ever thought. It was time consuming and it was the first time that we were on opposite schedules. There was weeks that I didn't see him for the entire Monday-Friday work week. It was a strain but we got through it. I was going to school, I got a job where I worked evenings, and between the two I didn't have much time to realize how little he was unavailable because I was unavailable myself. I am going to school to be a nurse and hopefully soon I will be employed in a hospital working nonconventional hours with random days off. Our lives will not be so different and once I graduate I won't be so busy. This is only temporary!

The truth is - I love saying my fiance is a police officer :) There is just something very hott about it :)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Someone gets shot and my entire Sunday needs to get rescheduled!

Today is my fiance's scheduled day off but guess where he is work...since 5:30pm yesterday! We had made an appointment to get massages and to look at a house that we are interested in buying. All of which now has to be cancelled because some idiot shot a girl in the face (I believe the girl is still alive). The night went like this...I feel asleep around 1am. I woke up at 4am looked at my phone and noticed he texted me saying there was a shooting and he was still at work. I automatically text back - what? when?. He calls - proceeds to tell me the story and that he is standing watching the crime scene. What he was watching is beyond me? The blood coagulate? Anyway, he tells me he is hoping to get out soon and we should still be able to get our massages. Finally, he calls 8:30am tells me he is still there and he doesn't think we will make the 11:00am appointment. Obviously, I don't think we will be making it because of the fact its almost 2 hours away and he didn't even leave work yet plus he is pushing being up already for 24 hours. He apologizes and tells me he will hopefully be leaving soon. Its 10am now and he has yet to call me to tell me he is leaving work. I'm guessing our 2pm appointment to see the house needs to be rescheduled also. I'm not mad because he didn't want to be out there all night and miss the massages. But frustrated...I am! I can't schedule things on his work day and now I can't even schedule anything on his days off. Question is do you just never make plans? Live minute to minute - if it works out good if not whatever.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

3 Day Swings!

This past weekend we encountered our very first 3 day swing! The added bonus was that it was a Saturday, Sunday, and Monday!!! It felt like a mini-vacation with nothing either one of us had to do. Honestly, whoever thought of the rotating shift schedule was pretty smart. It is very fair and not one person will always get stuck working the weekends. I might be singing a different tune when he is off a Tuesday and Wednesday while I'm going to school and working but this past weekend I was absolutely a fan!!!

This leads me into his work day...I have found that when he is scheduled to work it is hard to plan anything what so ever. As mostly everyone who has a TV knows there has been some snow and New York got hit with I think my weather channel said 9 inches or something like that in the city. He works 6pm - 2am (lets be honest - 5:30pm - 2:05am) which was prime time for the snow. I got a text around 2:30am stating they are keeping them for an indefinite period of time. Finally, around 5:50am he says he is home and he doesn't go to bed until 6:30am! Work days are definitely unpredictable! Now I was sleeping through all of this so it didn't impact me until I woke up and our morning plans had to be rearranged a little. Lesson learned - expect the unexpected especially scheduled work days! I am learning so much already :)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Cop's Wives Club

Last night was a bad night and today was an even worse morning. I spoke with my amazing fiance about how I feel alone and my fears that this career path will ruin our relationship. We spoke - I cried - He hugged me (which is his thing - if things are bad or either one of us are upset he just wants to hug lol) and today he has sporadically texted me letting me know how his day is going and I think to show me that he thinks about me as much as I think about him. Let me repeat - I have an amazing fiance <3

What I have learned today is....It is so important to have a group of girls/women that you can confide in that are also cop's wives/girlfriends/etc. I am a talker and also a listener but when I have a problem I talk. I talk to my mother, my best friend, the people I work with, and basically anyone who will listen. So today like no different - I talked. The problem was no one really understood. The basic thing I got from everyone (except my fellow cop's wives club members) were..."you knew he wanted to be a cop" which I have mentioned before I did know. However, until you are in the situation and living it I firmly believe that you do not know or really understand for that matter. So, after getting no where and feeling worse than I already did. I decided to speak to the really only other two cop's wives I know which I also consider to be my friends. I ended up hanging out with them - enjoying a couple of beers and discussing our situations which are all different yet the same. I left feeling better, not alone, and confident that I will get through this because I am not the only one that is having issues and I am not the only one who feels lonely or scared.

What I learned tonight is...It is so important to have a group of girls/women that are also cop's wives/girlfriends/etc. because not once did they say well "you knew he wanted to be a cop". Because until you are here - you honestly DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Beginning

This actually isn't the beginning - my life altering change officially occurred July 6th, 2011 when my fiance got on the train looking extremely handsome in a brand-new Perry Ellis suit that we just purchased the weekend before. The man that went on the train, July 6th, looks nothing like the man that got off the train December 27th. (He actually didn't get off the train because he drove into the city for his graduation.) Obviously, his suit is replaced with a blue uniform, his coach wallet is replaced with a plain black wallet that carries his shield and ID, the phone that once was clipped to his hip is replaced with a gun A GUN! - The thing that is used to kill people is on the belt of the man I love and the worst image I have is him actually having to use it.

Now, to be fair...this wasn't a case of my fiance having some sort of career crisis and threw himself into this crazy career. I met my future husband in high school and started dating our senior year. He told me then during those hour long conversations that last into the middle of the night when you first start dating someone he wanted to be a cop. At the time, I thought, great!, I found someone who is realistic and doesn't want to be a professional football player or something extremely unlikely. Anyway, we were 18 and who really knows what they want to be at 18 - except of course - him! We went to college where he got a bachelors in criminal justice with a concentration I believe in police and the community. In May 2008, he toke the NYPD test and the waiting began. Now, don't get me wrong, I correlated him becoming a cop with the beginning of our future so I was praying every night that with the next academy class brought the lovely phone call that he should report. Our prayers were answered and like I said he started July 6th, 2011.

I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous that I hate that he is a cop because this is what I knew he wanted for at least 6 years and this is what we begged and prayed for to happen. But to be honest, I am having a tremendous difficulty accepting this lifestyle. Now, I am an intelligent woman. I have a bachelors degree and am currently in school yet again getting another bachelors but in nursing this time around because unfortunately for me I didn't know what I wanted to do at 18! So, despite the fact I might sound stupid, I honestly didn't really know that this was going to be like this.