It is ironic because earlier that day I was explaining to my mother how I don't see Beav as a cop that maybe if I actually saw him at work, if I did a drive along that I could picture it. I realized later on that night that I don't want to picture it...at all.
Beav and I were out with a bunch of friends celebrating his birthday this past Friday. (The beauty of a swing schedule sometimes you get Friday and Saturday OFF :) ) We stepped outside so he could have a cigarette (I try to get him to quit all the time) and we were discussing how excited we were that we were actually buying a house that it seems unreal. P.S. - we are going into contract with a house we found a couple weeks ago!!! Overall, the conversation was happy, excited, and we were loving life. We stepped inside and the entire night went down from there. Some drunken fool wanted to fight some guy and Beav's police/male instincts kicks right in gets a hold of the guy and another friend and him take him out of the bar. It was split seconds and I can't actually visualize what happened but I remember screaming. I tried to get in the middle I guess to prevent anything from happening to Beav but I was grabbed by my friend who told me to stop and wouldn't let go. As they went outside, I followed again trying to get to them but now a guy friend grabbed me and told me no and that he was fine. So, I screamed and felt helpless. I couldn't do anything else to prevent whatever was going to happen but to just scream and I did on the top of my lungs. (I was given a free drink my the bartender as a result though. She stated she hopes I scream like that if something was happening to her.)
I realized at that point that I don't want to know what Beav does at work. I don't want to visualize him getting into fights with people. I mentally and emotionally can not handle seeing him fight. I know that he has received training and I trust that the NYPD has created a great police officer but anything can happen and I can not witness something bad happening to him. In the end, he was fine. He thumb was sore the next day he said because of the way he must have grabbed him and received a bunch of praise from the guys on how great he was able to handle the situation so quickly.
I, however, left that night crying. I have spent the last three days thinking about why and there are multiple but I think the biggest was that I realized at that moment he could get hurt at work. I never really think of it or maybe I subconsciously never allowed myself to think that when he goes to work he could come home damaged. That night I saw how naturally taking charge came to him, how he must have practiced this or even used this at work and all my repressed fear for the last couple months came flooding out in the form of uncontrollable and never-ending tears. Beav apologized and understood that I was scared. He repeated over and over again that it was fine, he was fine, and that everything was ok. At some point, I think he realized the tears were for more than a 3 minute incident and he promised me that he would never do anything stupid at work to put himself in danger that would prevent him from coming home to me. The night was silly, embarrassing, and I could have done without it yet that night Beav and I made some sort of new connection outside of that bar maybe a greater understanding of where we both are.