Sunday, July 3, 2011

Today might be rough...

It's almost been a year since Beav as been a part of the NYPD and I can almost start to sense when it is going to be a bad day/night for me. I have gotten over for the most part him missing out on various family birthdays and sometimes even nights out. But today is going to be a bad day - of course I am going to try to use this intuition and alter my way of thinking but I can almost sense it and feel it already.

I live on Long Island, NY so it is common for everyone to drive to the beach or go to fire island during 4th of July weekend. One of my close friends decided she wanted to go to fire island today for her birthday (her birthday is July 1). Initially, I said I wasn't sure because I had a lot of school work to do which is true but has never ever stopped me before from enjoying a good day with friends, sun, and drinks. She would ask and I would tell her I will let her know. This morning I woke up realizing why I had so many internal reservations. We are going with a bunch of people and everyone who is going their spouse/significant other will be there. The ones that don't have one probably won't admit it but they are looking for one and there I am - alone yet committed - its a title that I hate. There was a point in my life that if Beav couldn't come I wouldn't have even thought to go - codependency issues...I believe so. I have gotten so much better. Obviously, for the last year I haven't sat in my house crying every night I have had a few but they have dwindled. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that the couples are not going to be all over each other, full-blown kisses, etc but its the little things I miss when Beav is not around. I miss his brushing past me at the bar letting me know he is going to the bathroom, our eyes meet when he is going to get another drink and silently asks if I want one also, having someone to rest your head on at the end of the night when you are traveling home, and really just having someone there that you know loves you as much as you love them and is there if anything happens.

I'm going to be prepared though this time. I'm going to limit how much I drink so I don't get over emotional, I am going to have the ferry schedule so I know when the ferries are if I really am not having a good time, and I'm going to try really hard to remind myself that I am an independent woman who can take care of herself. Wish me luck - I think I'm going to need it.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you and hoping it went well. You ARE a strong woman and you will be stronger with every year that passes. Your post is in line with how I feel tonight. I miss my guy. Especially with a newborn and a 4 year old who keeps saying "I wish daddy would come home".