He spit what on you!!!

Life has been really busy and currently I am studying for a critical care test but needed a diversion for a couple minutes so here I am.

6 week ago I received my professional wedding photos from my photographer in the mail. I texted Beav to wake me when he got home because I wanted him to see them right away. He told me he would and I went to bed. I woke up around 4am because I heard him walking around. He was an hour late and when I opened my eyes he was standing with a towel in his hands getting ready to go in the shower which was unusual for him. He doesn't usually shower when he gets home at night especially not when he gets home late. So, I ask why he was going to shower. He states, "someone spit blood on me."

I'm a nursing student so the nurse in me came out right away - I questioned...where? did it  get into your eyes, mouth, any open cuts? Did  you wash it off? What did you use? etc. The answers were all ok. He got spit on the back of his head, it did not get into his eyes, mouth, nose, and he did not have any open cuts. He put gloves on, wiped it off with saline and gauze from EMS, and wiped his head with purell. He put the dirty clothes in the washing machine with hot water, laundry detergent, pinesol (he said he heard it killed germs), and put it on an extra rinse cycle. He toke a shower and I went to sleep.

I woke up that morning - freaking out! I was literally scared of my husband. I was afraid that he contracted some disgusting disease by this guy and now I was going to get it. He spoke with the NYPD nurse and she said that he was not exposed in the sense he needed the HIV cocktail. However, I was scared! I made him call a local hospital and he spoke with a doctor about obtaining the cocktail in which he was told that he was not exposed and wouldn't get it.

This was really difficult for me. I told him that dealing with sucky schedules, working nights, missing events all seem easy compared to him coming home and telling me that some disgusting person spit a combination of blood and phlegm onto my husband.

I'm a married lady!

I can't believe the last time I posted something was in July! Well, I am a married woman now - The wedding was amazing and everything I could hope it would be. We went on our honeymoon, to Aruba, the next day and that was equally as fabulous. Here is just one of many photos I have lol

We have settled into married life and living together great. I love being his wife :) even though we were together for over 6 years before we got married. The title wife holds a bigger punch. lol

We Bought A House!!!

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long but very exciting news from my little corner of the world - Beav and I bought our first home together! It is exciting, crazy, surreal, and let me say again...crazy! I can't believe I have my very own home where I was able to pick out the colors I wanted, the decor, etc. It has also been a lot of work and I am so thankful for my family especially my grandfather who without him the past couple of days I really don't know what we would have done.

It is also our wedding week! We are getting married this Friday which is also amazing to me. I can't believe how fast time flies! I was engaged in November of 2009 and I thought that the time would never come for me to be a Mrs. and here I am a couple days shy of walking down the aisle.

Life is amazing right now and I can't think of a time where I was ever happier! I am getting married to my best friend and love of my life, we just bought our first home together, I have less than a year of school left, and John loves his career! What more could we ask for right now? We are truly blessed <3

We all need to work with eachother...just a little!

Beav and I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. He put the time off request in at least a month ago maybe even 6 weeks and gave a copy of the invitation just to prove we really had somewhere to go. We didn't hear anything so I told him to go check if it was done and approved (or denied). He goes and surprise, surprise...it is not done. He tells the guy at the desk that he submitted the request at least a month ago and he simply replies we don't do things that far in advance. Really?!? Because this is less than a week! I have already rsvped yes for 2 people. Let's say he gets denied now that leaves me with less than a week to find someone who is available on a Saturday night in the summer to come with me. I can get use to annoying hours, ordered overtime, and even working some holidays but this complete lack of respect they have is ridiculous not even for Beav but what about the person waiting at home for him. The job has its pros and cons but they make it more annoying than it has to be. It's really simple - look at the schedule and if there is some room where he is not needed approve it but don't wait until less than a week!!!

1 Year Anniversary

Well - it was on July 6th.

I can't believe a year as already passed by I think about who I was just one year ago and how I felt. I was scared, lonely, and so fearful of the future and this was the first day. There have been so many ups and downs. There have been times where I felt angry and resentful of him that he was creating this life that sucked, where I was alone, and where he spent more holidays with strangers than me. The academy ended and then the real work started. Everything said it would be better, he would have more time, etc. That lead me to yet another disappointment and yet another breakdown. Everyday that passes though I learn and realize a little more.

If I had to give insight to someone else this is what I would say -
- Plans are not set in stone...EVER!
- NYPD only cares about the "greater good of the department" not about the greater good of Beav or his life.
- Overtime is sometimes forced and no one cares if you had plans.
- Find friends who do things without their spouse/significant other or you will be the 3, 5, 7, etc wheel all the time.
- On his days off, schedule things for him to do not just with you but his other friends also - they miss him also.
- Create your own schedules when possible - who cares if breakfast is at noon and dinner is at 10pm. It works for you and that's all that matters.
- Always express your feelings but understand that he also misses you, does not want to be at work on a holiday, and would rather be at the bar with you.

I'm sure there is more but those are the ones that popped into my mind. One year down and 24 more to go :)

Today might be rough...

It's almost been a year since Beav as been a part of the NYPD and I can almost start to sense when it is going to be a bad day/night for me. I have gotten over for the most part him missing out on various family birthdays and sometimes even nights out. But today is going to be a bad day - of course I am going to try to use this intuition and alter my way of thinking but I can almost sense it and feel it already.

I live on Long Island, NY so it is common for everyone to drive to the beach or go to fire island during 4th of July weekend. One of my close friends decided she wanted to go to fire island today for her birthday (her birthday is July 1). Initially, I said I wasn't sure because I had a lot of school work to do which is true but has never ever stopped me before from enjoying a good day with friends, sun, and drinks. She would ask and I would tell her I will let her know. This morning I woke up realizing why I had so many internal reservations. We are going with a bunch of people and everyone who is going their spouse/significant other will be there. The ones that don't have one probably won't admit it but they are looking for one and there I am - alone yet committed - its a title that I hate. There was a point in my life that if Beav couldn't come I wouldn't have even thought to go - codependency issues...I believe so. I have gotten so much better. Obviously, for the last year I haven't sat in my house crying every night I have had a few but they have dwindled. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that the couples are not going to be all over each other, full-blown kisses, etc but its the little things I miss when Beav is not around. I miss his brushing past me at the bar letting me know he is going to the bathroom, our eyes meet when he is going to get another drink and silently asks if I want one also, having someone to rest your head on at the end of the night when you are traveling home, and really just having someone there that you know loves you as much as you love them and is there if anything happens.

I'm going to be prepared though this time. I'm going to limit how much I drink so I don't get over emotional, I am going to have the ferry schedule so I know when the ferries are if I really am not having a good time, and I'm going to try really hard to remind myself that I am an independent woman who can take care of herself. Wish me luck - I think I'm going to need it.

Gun Collar

Beav got his first gun collar last night! Unfortunately, because of some specifics the guy will not be charged with it but will be charged with something else. I'm not fully versed in the police language or the attorneys for that matter so I am not exactly sure what occurred. However, I do know that Beav got a gun collar on his record in his first year of being a police officer! I am very proud :) He is exhausted though - he was awake for 32 hours straight and was at work for 26 hours.

I believe I have written before about them getting stuck being at work and awake for 24 hours straight. I hate the idea and think it is so unhealthy for all police officers, doctors, nurses, anyone who works a position where they can get stuck working very long shifts. Not only is it physically unhealthy but Beav has about a 45 min to 1 1/2 hour drive home where he is putting himself and everyone else on the road at risk. There are always stories in the news how people have fallen asleep while driving. Luckily, Beav made it home safe, I gave him an airbourne to give his system a little boost, and he went off to sleep.

Seriously though - there should be rules against 24 hour days!

Life Has Been Crazy Busy

I can't believe I have not posted anything in a month! Life has been crazy. I am taking a summer class and working plus the wedding is about 5 weeks away!!!

The last 5 weeks I was in OB. It is truly an amazing experience seeing a woman give birth regardless if it is vaginally or by c-section. I was lucky enough to be a part of 4 births - 2 vaginal and 2 c-sections. For the last 5 weeks, I have dreamed about having babies. Beav and I have already decided that we won't start to try to have children for at least a year after we are married. However, watching all those babies being born got my maternal instincts screaming for children. I am now in pediatrics and the entire vibe is so much different. Yesterday, I was put on a pediatric oncology floor. It was sad and completely depressing. I saw a 4 year old who had a brain tumor! Honestly, what did that poor baby do to deserve getting such a terrible thing and having to fight for her life before she even really lived. It really makes you appreciate all that you have.

Beav has been doing great at work. The projects (or as they call them the pjs) is crazy this time of year. Everyone thinks its a great idea to go around and shoot people. It is hard for me to even comprehend how these people have such a lack of respect for life. Needless to say, Beav has been busy and overtime has been flowing. Beav has picked up some extra shifts which I hate at the time but love when the check comes. :) It has almost been a year since Beav started the academy. I can't believe a whole year has passed already. I'm actually really excited to post what I have learned in this year - I will July 6th his official hire date.

Wedding Drama

I hope everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day. Beav was suppose to be off Sunday and Monday but got ordered in for Sunday. Thankfully, his partner "owed" him from a previous time he stayed late for him so he said he would take the shift. I was beyond excited and we got so much wedding related stuff done. We went and saw a sample of our flowers (which I love!), we set up the tux rentals, and bought the groomsmen their gifts. Overall, it was productive and of course I was able to spend 2 whole days with him which is a rarity.

I was unsure if I wanted to write about this on here but I realized that no one I know reads this and I would love to hear what other people think I should do...

A little more than a week ago I e-mailed Beav's mother stating that I knew she was so busy with her elderly parents and that I looked into some places for the Rehearsal Dinner (They said they would pay for it.). I sent a list of all the places with their prices and told her which one we preferred. I also said that with summer school starting I really would like to get this taken care of before it started plus invitations needed to be bought. Well, two days later she sent both Beav and I a very rude e-mail back. Basically saying that she hated our first choice and would not pay a dime on it so she will pay for the second choice but still thinks that place is horrible plus she made mention how she feels we only care about the check. She went on to tell us what food she choose, who we could invite (Basically - not including my grandparents. Her words were only people directly involved with the rehearsal), and that she would be picking the invitations so we needed to send her the addresses ASAP. Beav and I were furious and hurt. The complete lack of disrespect that was felt from this e-mail was insane. Beav spoke with his father and he basically validated that he understands why we are hurt but begs Beav to let them still pay for the dinner. After, this entire situation Beav told his father that we would pay for the rehearsal dinner because obviously she feels we are only using her for the money.

My dilemma - Beav feels if we pay for the dinner his mother will not come but I feel that I can not accept their money for the dinner after what occurred. Plus, I do not feel ok with not inviting my grandparents to my rehearsal dinner. Yes, they are not directly involved with the rehearsal but they have done anything they could to help John and I during this entire process including letting us store our gifts in their basement until we found our own home. What would you do? Let them pay for it and have it on their terms or pay for it yourself and see what happens?

Drinks on a Thursday?!?

I have never really been a fan of girls nights. I guess cause I have always had a boyfriend, then fiance, and a soon to be husband and he would always take more priority over the "girls". Tonight though I went out for a couple drinks with my best friends and we had such a great time. We had a couple drinks, talked, danced, and even saw a old friend - mind you it was only a Thursday! (I never go out on a Thursday) It was so much fun and not planned at all. Sometimes you dont realize how bad you needed to go out until you are home.

Invitations went out!!!

Beav and I mailed our wedding invitations today!!! We made our own invitations because the ones I found were crazy expensive and I figured I would be able to make the same ones cheaper which I did. Would I recommend making them yourself? Only if you have a lot of free time and patience. The last 2 weeks I have spent 2-3 hours a day printing, cutting, glue dotting, and then assembling these invitations. I guess when you figure in the time I have spent it might not have been cheaper but I wasn't being paid per hour. We are soooo excited! I can't wait for the RSVPs to come back! I attached a picture of the invitation. I am pretty sure I whited out the most important stuff but if anyone sees anything else that they feel should be, please do tell :)

Outcome of Easter

The outcome of Easter - Beav and I ate breakfast at his house with his mother, father, and sister. After, we ran around got last minute things and came back to his house to give his mother her present. He went to his aunt's house from 2pm-4pm to say hello to his family which included his grandmother. I stayed back at my house to help my mom get ready for mother's day dinner because my grandparents were coming over and my brother and sister were working. Beav got to my house around 4:30pm and we all ate dinner.

Beav's mom was mad at him/me. She told him that I should have went to his aunts house but in all honesty John went to represent the both of us. I wasn't going to let my mom stay home alone for the majority of the day cooking dinner for us and her mother by herself. In the end, I feel that we probably should have stopped by his grandmother's house so we both could have seen her and not just him but we did what we did and honestly seeing his aunt and cousin does not take precedent over my mother and grandmother. This mixing holiday stuff is difficult!

we signed the contracts for our first house!!! I'm so excited and going to be broke :) Hopefully, mid to late June we will close and we can start making it our own before the wedding :)

Advice Needed...

I believe that most of you have a little more experience than I do with being married and dealing with everything that comes with it. So, my question is for everyone, how do you split holidays between the 2 families. Beav and I generally have a plan that works for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter but Mother's Day and Father's Day always throws us for a loop. We actually have never made a plan for these holidays. We basically just do them separately. However, we both feel that we should be together and celebrate the holidays with our mothers at different times especially because next year we will be married and should be together. The problem is that both sides do a dinner at around the same time. He already said that his mother won't be very accommodating if we decide to ask if we can do a brunch with her but at the same time I don't feel like I should always have to change my plans with my mother because his won't be accommodating. Now that I vented a little...what do you guys do? Any advice/wisdom that can help us come to a decision :)

Would you like to go for a drive along? No, thank you!

It is ironic because earlier that day I was explaining to my mother how I don't see Beav as a cop that maybe if I actually saw him at work, if I did a drive along that I could picture it. I realized later on that night that I don't want to picture it...at all.

Beav and I were out with a bunch of friends celebrating his birthday this past Friday. (The beauty of a swing schedule sometimes you get Friday and Saturday OFF :) ) We stepped outside so he could have a cigarette (I try to get him to quit all the time) and we were discussing how excited we were that we were actually buying a house that it seems unreal. P.S. - we are going into contract with a house we found a couple weeks ago!!! Overall, the conversation was happy, excited, and we were loving life. We stepped inside and the entire night went down from there. Some drunken fool wanted to fight some guy and Beav's police/male instincts kicks right in gets a hold of the guy and another friend and him take him out of the bar. It was split seconds and I can't actually visualize what happened but I remember screaming. I tried to get in the middle I guess to prevent anything from happening to Beav but I was grabbed by my friend who told me to stop and wouldn't let go. As they went outside, I followed again trying to get to them but now a guy friend grabbed me and told me no and that he was fine. So, I screamed and felt helpless. I couldn't do anything else to prevent whatever was going to happen but to just scream and I did on the top of my lungs. (I was given a free drink my the bartender as a result though. She stated she hopes I scream like that if something was happening to her.)

I realized at that point that I don't want to know what Beav does at work. I don't want to visualize him getting into fights with people. I mentally and emotionally can not handle seeing him fight. I know that he has received training and I trust that the NYPD has created a great police officer but anything can happen and I can not witness something bad happening to him. In the end, he was fine. He thumb was sore the next day he said because of the way he must have grabbed him and received a bunch of praise from the guys on how great he was able to handle the situation so quickly.

I, however, left that night crying. I have spent the last three days thinking about why and there are multiple but I think the biggest was that I realized at that moment he could get hurt at work. I never really think of it or maybe I subconsciously never allowed myself to think that when he goes to work he could come home damaged. That night I saw how naturally taking charge came to him, how he must have practiced this or even used this at work and all my repressed fear for the last couple months came flooding out in the form of uncontrollable and never-ending tears. Beav apologized and understood that I was scared. He repeated over and over again that it was fine, he was fine, and that everything was ok. At some point, I think he realized the tears were for more than a 3 minute incident and he promised me that he would never do anything stupid at work to put himself in danger that would prevent him from coming home to me. The night was silly, embarrassing, and I could have done without it yet that night Beav and I made some sort of new connection outside of that bar maybe a greater understanding of where we both are.

Beav is...

24 today!!! I have dated him since he was 17. I can not believe that he is turning 24 today. Looking back we have shared so many good and bad times together but I wouldn't change anything.

A Sonic opened up today on Long Island so of course he wanted to go get some for lunch. Unfortunately, so did everyone else on Long Island so we were unable to wait on the insane line and chose to go to the diner instead. I felt bad because he was so tired and slightly annoyed with himself that he didn't take off for his birthday not that they would have approved it anyway.

Overall, he had a nice day and I bought him the boots he wanted for work so he was excited. Hopefully, it won't be to busy tonight at work and he can have a relaxed night at work.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed the day with family and friends.

Beav and I starting splitting holidays between our families since we got engaged. This year for Easter it was my parents house for dinner and dessert for his. However, he has work tonight and needed to leave by 3:45pm. I explained to my mom that we needed to eat a little earlier than usual and if she felt that it was to early or she didn't want to do it then we understood but we would then eat at his parents house. Of course, she guaranteed that dinner would be ready and we would eat lasagna at 2:30 and then dinner at 3:00pm. I have to admit I had my doubts. My family is never on time for anything! I even had a dream last night that the food was not going to be ready...that is how worried I was! But my mother is amazing and everything was perfect. My grandparents and great aunt showed up at 2:15pm and at 2:30pm we were eating lasagna. We all got to eat dinner together and life was normal. Well, until 3:50pm when he said he really had to go to work but with a container of Easter dinner in his hand and a piece of pineapple upside down cake for dessert later - he was off.

My grandmother asked me if I was sad after he left. The truth was...I was ok. I knew he had work today and we planned accordingly. We saw his family in the morning instead for dessert and we ate dinner with my family like normal. He wasn't around all day but he was around and I was happy. Our life might not be typical but it is becoming "our normal".

Med-Surg Clinical Complete

I attended my last med-surg clinical today. I am so happy that I will have 4 weeks off from waking up at 5:30am. I absolutely hate waking up so early but it got easier especially since I was doing it twice a week for the last 13 weeks. My professor was great and is honestly one of the strongest women I have ever met. Her husband is battling cancer for the last 2 1/2 years. Her outlook and strength amazes me every time she talked about her situation. It really made me think about my own situation and how blessed I really am.

Sweet 16

The Sweet 16 was yesterday and I attended without Beav. I survived and Beav texted me throughout the party asking about how it was, what I ended up wearing, how the food was, and if I was dancing. I guess he was trying to be there the best way he could. 

I want to make a point about how young girls dress. I am only 23 years old so I wasn't 16 that long ago but I do not remember dressing like that. These dresses were so short that they constantly had to pull them down while dancing, they were skin tight where nothing was hidden even the skinniest girl looked like she had a little belly, and the boobies! I have big boobies so I understand how annoying it is to sometimes get the girls under control but I don't think an attempt was even made with some girls. It was shocking and embarrassing at times for them but they will learn I guess we all do that showing a little less sometimes is worth more than displaying it all.

Overall, the party was really nice. It made me excited  for my wedding. I can't wait until my family and friends are all together celebrating the marriage of Beav and I. It was my childhood best friend's sister who was turning 16 so it was nice that I got to catch up with her. Younger we were inseparable and were like sisters but as life went on and boyfriends/friends changed we separated but it is always nice to go back sometimes. We sat in her house and talked like our relationship never changed. But it is a scene that occurs time and time again. Unfortunately, our lives don't mesh as good and we reconnect but it never sticks. I do miss her though.

Not There Yet

I read everyone's blogs and I want to be where you all are or at least seem. I want to be well-adjusted and supportive of his career but I can't get past the annoying fact that this career is affecting our relationship. I grieve the relationship we once had. I miss the man that use to be home at 4pm, who ate dinner with me, I miss the man that use to be home every weekend to accompany me out with our friends. I hate that this career takes priority over everything. It takes priority over me, our relationship, our families, and eventually it will take priority over our future children. I understand he doesn't want to work terrible hours, rotating shifts, holidays, weekends, during family functions, and basically any other inconvenient thing you can think of but the truth is he chose this. I asked him recently if he could go back and do it over knowing how hard it is for us would he still do it...he said yes! He said YES and it hurt a lot more than I thought such a simple answer would. Knowing the number of times I have cried, knowing how much this has changed us, knowing how much he will miss throughout our life, knowing how much I will be alone...he still said yes.

I started dating him when I was 17 years old. We went to senior prom together, we stayed together through college, I even convinced my parents to let him come on our family vacations with us because the one year he wasn't allowed I missed him so much I spent the majority of my time reading books on the balcony basically sulking. He was diagnosed with Crohn's our first year of college and was in and out of hospitals for a couple months. I would spend every evening in the hospital with him playing 500 rummy. He was in Mount Sinai Hospital in the city that year during Easter and I brought hard-boiled eggs so we could still color them together. He was and still is more than my boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband but he is my best friend. We were each others priorities and I miss that relationship. I know he loves me and I love him but its different now. I would give anything to get it back and I know I can't. I know its over - I know that this is our new life and what we had is gone. I just wish he felt the same pain that I do - I just wish he didn't say yes.

Friday Off

Beav is off today!!! The first Friday in what feels like forever but has been probably a little more than 3 months. We are breaking the no meat on Friday rule for lent and going out with friends for wings and beer! Hey - if the pope can grant an excuse for people to eat corned beef on a Friday if St. Patrick's day falls during lent we can break it too! I bought a new pair of red heels and I just have a feeling that tonight is going to be great. I really do miss having Beav around on the weekends and being around when I am with our friends plus it is one of our friend's 24th birthday today so even more reason to get dressed up and celebrate!